My least favorite Question...

It's funny how this blog thing has turned into more of a journal..it's a way of my expressing my inner most thoughts..I guess that's what all blogs are. I've actually written quite a bit on paper recently as well. For whatever reason, one I have not been able to pinpoint yet, I've been more introverted lately. The funny thing is normally I'm introverted in the beginning and then turn extroverted when I warm up to my surroundings..but I've done the opposite. Maybe it's because I'm embarking on a new beginning or just that there's been too much going on lately. I don't know. At work, we have to ask our customer's what there expectations are. That is my least favorite question. Maybe it's because I don't really like expectations. I often question was is considered to be a "reasonable expectation" in a given situation when it comes to people. You see the thing is just because I think something should be a certain way does not mean that it is. I try to have expectations while understanding that people are their own people, make their own choices and have their own expectations. There have been points in my life where my expectations were low--too low--and I've said to myself well, I can never be disappointed only pleasantly surprised!! Yes, it was my cynicism. But I'm at the point of not wanting to keep my expectations too high. Where do you find the happy medium? That's why I don't like expectations. Maybe we should keep our expectations high and just expect occasional disappointment because that's a part of life then implement forgiveness as needed. That's probably the better route the more I think of it. I really like that actually. I just had a thought..that's got to be how God works. God does not lower his expectations of us just because we disappoint him and fail repeatedly, no, no, God implements forgiveness when merited and as needed. That's a happy thought actually. Okay, so now that I've thought myself through liking expectations, let's get to pressure. The last thing anybody wants is pressure. There are some of us who perform at peak levels when under pressure. But again most people don't like pressure. So, set an expectation within reason with minimal pressure? Hmm..that question merits more thought. I'm not entirely sure how that can be accomplished. I've tried to stay away from the "supposed to be" syndrome. You know how something is "supposed to be" or how someone is "supposed to act.." (this is not applicable to God of course..when you become the Almighty you can tell me how things are supposed to be..in the meantime..no you can't) I think this way because again how people are so different. Anyhow--I don't remember where I was going with that because I had to put the kids to bed. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Phillip's death. I plan on going to his grave; I wrote him a letter. I may send it up to him in a balloon-I know it's not necessary and it's not likely to get to him because of the state of being he is in, but still it's for the tradition, or thought, or something..I don't know though..I know he is still around, at least I believe he is..I don't know how else to describe the feelings I get. I try talking to him on a regular basis, just don't always know if it's him talking back. I feel like there is a fork in the road in front of me and I need to pick a direction. *sigh* I don't know where my enthusiasm has been lately..why???? Come on already, I want to feel motivated, and I'm just not feeling it--maybe I need to get to the gym, I haven't been lately. But I'm trying to cancel that membership because times are tough and I like exercise videos--I'd so buy some new ones right now if I could, the ones I have are a n c i e n t..and scratched. Maybe it's just fear of the unknown so I'm not so enthusiastic. I'm treading lightly, taking baby steps towards the right direction. I know the motivation has to come from within--it's the light bulb or the aha moment that I need. I'm okay with baby steps. What I really need is a goal and a plan to get to that goal. I had goals six months ago but they've been revamped because they maybe were not the best. Maybe I just need to do that, find what my goals are now--what they really are. Wait a second hold the phone, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my goals 6 months ago--the problem was with the plan! Duh..really how could I have missed that? Okay, it's now time to go revise the plan..

Somebody Please Slap Me Across the Face

There's got to be at least one person out there willing to do it..I'm sure there is. I don't care whatever the reason is, I just want a hard dose of reality..I think I'm getting it..or I should say I know what it is but for whatever reason won't accept it. That's what I need, an acceptance slap. I've realized a few things over the past couple days..as long as I am still learning, I'm still doing good I suppose. Each day I learn something new, or get a new twist on things--it's actually quite invigorating. So, why the reality check? Well, at this rate I figure I won't even see a 25 year anniversary, hell I'd say I'd be pretty lucky to make it 10 years..and not even on course for a solid 5, make that not even on course to marriage. I thought to myself yesterday that it has to be because I never wanted to get divorced--it's the universe's way of messing with me, yeah you know, Karma?--it's got to be that. I talked to a friend today at work who said, "Stacy, don't you agree?" I said, "With what?" He said, "Enjoying the morning, outside on the weekend, drinking your coffee, watching the birds, with the one you love by your side?" I could only agree with him. Then I had to proceed to tell him, we'll see if I ever get that chance. I also told him how I want to be with someone who in 25 years I can look at with the same eyes as I do now. That is if I were looking at someone like that now. I think that I've been so busy trying to sell myself that I have not really been true to myself. You see, I'm too busy convincing people to like me. Weird? Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lying to anyone or pretending to be someone I'm not, just too busy saying what I am instead of being what I am..does that make sense? I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be confident and what it means to be humble. I think that being humble does not mean you have to be meek and lowly and not know your accomplishments but on the contrary, I don't think that being confident means saying or expressing your confidence in a "loud" way. Do you follow still? I find that the older I get the more quiet confident I become. It's not about what I'm doing or saying but how I do it. I think it's funny, sometimes I catch myself reading my horoscope. Don't ask me why, but I do it on occasion. So, I read my horoscope yesterday that said something to the effect of being too emotional and scaring off a potential partner..and I just laughed. I thought to myself--well, I may be too much of one thing and not enough of another, but there's got to be someone out there who can accept that. If I scare you off now, consider that a good thing! I don't know why anyone would be something that there not or with hold something from someone. I am more of a say my feelings and peace rather than not. At least I've said it. I get that I'm wordy. It's fine, it's a part of me. It's also like empathy with me. Most 99.999999% of people I empathize with. I've even been accused of being able to "understand the spawn of Satan." I figure that's a good thing as well! It's nothing other than compassion in my opinion. I will say this though--Satan? Really? I'm sure he was full of pride like others and through whatever circumstances, maybe I can understand why. Who knows though, because well, I try to avoid any associations with the devil at all cost. Just saying. *sigh* Where's my reality check again? Oh yeah, that's right, I remember now...I don't want to sell myself to others any longer. I want to be myself towards others and who that is depends largely on the side of the bed I wake up on!! Just kidding (ish). Someone else today at work said I was a little bit of everything, I've also been called a Heinz 57. I can't help it, that is my personality..a little bit of everything. Really it makes me extremely adaptable to my surroundings. Sometimes, I question if being a little bit of everything is avoidance of being all of something, but when I really think about it....no, I don't think so. I have the constants in me and as I learn and get older, things change. That is the only constant, change. I wrote a poem the other day--it's cheese..but I like cheese. I eat cheese. I was going to post it by itself but then thought just now--what the heck just post it now, people know how I like to talk.

Love Me Anyway (I am)

Love me when I'm Right

Love me when I'm Wrong

Loved me like you've never loved at All

Love me when I'm Up

Love me when I'm Down

Love me like no one else is Around

Love me when I'm Strong

Love me when I'm Scared

Love me like you'll always be There

Love me when I'm Open

Love me when I'm Shy

Love me like tomorrow we are to Die

Love me when I'm Fast

Love me when I'm Slow

Love me like you will never let Go

Love me when I'm Honest

Love me when I'm Not

Love me like all is Forgotten

Love me when I'm Young

Love me when I'm Old

Love me like a love story Untold

I promise to love you whenever you get old,

I promise to hold you and never let go.

I promise to forgive as if tomorrow we are to die,

I promise to be strong when you can only try.

I promise to love you like no one else is around

I promise to give a love to you, never before found

because

Love is enduring the pain of disappointment

and Love is forgiveness

Love is giving when you can't

Love is understanding Why

Love is giving of Yourself

Love is the ultimate Sacrifice

Love is about gladly taking another's place

Love is about forever Grace

Love is Eternal

I believe that loving someone is a choice that we can make every day. I told my sister once that I'm no good when it comes to relationships because I love everyone. I love them before they even know it and before I even know them. I don't know how to not love someone. She only laughed at me. I did however realize that where I love everyone, I don't like everyone. I hope that's not wrong of me to say--but there are few, very few in the world, that have a personality that kind of irks me, but I understand them, and kind of like them, but not at the same time..I think I'm more concerned now about finding someone that I like a whole lot..I don't know if I'll ever know what it means to be in love. Is it being twitterpated? I've been twitterpated but that sometimes scares me--for my twitterpation is not always returned. I think that's the hard part, the love not returned, even in the nth degree. I've decided though again, there's no more trying and there's a lot more being....I only need one...

I'm starting this post with out a title..that's slightly unusual for me. Normally I have a title and prethought out points that I choose to share with others. But that is not the case today. I do however have thoughts swirling around in my head that I need to get out..a title may come by the end but who knows, maybe I'll leave it blank. Sometimes thinks are just blank anyway. You know when you run out of options, ideas, and feel stuck? Yep, that's what you feel sometimes, blank. The more that things unravel here for me the more I realize that I need a support system. I am an independent woman and feel as to always have been. People tell me that I have a strong type A personality. I always thought that was a bad thing, to be head strong, but I think that's only because of how type A's are viewed. I consider myself to be again one of the most laid back easy going people to talk to. I love people, all people. I don't judge others and I am not bias. If you walk by me and I make eye contact your likely to get a smile and a hi, no matter who you are or what you look like. I like to flirt with everyone. I give compliments to those who deserve them, male or female. Lastly, I'm so overly opinionated in all that I do and wear my heart on my sleeve. When I think type A, I think obnoxious..but I don't think I am. I'm starting to learn more and more that things don't have to be a certain way. For instance, I can be an independent strong woman and still need or want a husband or companion. Independence and a drive to succeed does not mean that I want to be single for the rest of my life nor does it make me less of who I am. I realize today that I need a support system. I think we all need a support system, an emotional one and a physical one. There are way too many times where I think we, as women and even men, try to hard to be or do it all. For me it's um well difficult, not that it's not difficult for others..it's just this. I've always been viewed as a "strong one" or "independent" or even the "rock" for someone else. I know that people look to me and I am okay with that. It's just sometimes being the "rock" or the "strong, understanding/forgiving" one is hard when you know you are that and you need your own rock. But I am the one saying and feeling like "You can't make anyone be the rock for you Stacy, you have to be your own rock to some degree." I think that's what my idea of love is. A rock. Love to me isn't about all the happy glorious frazzle times, even though those are added bonuses of love..love to me is getting through the worst of times and still at looking at the other person and being like, "It's okay, your only human, and I still love you." True love is action and true love is sacrifice. If we think about those who we love most. Who are the first people to come to mind? None other than our children. It is our children that we sacrifice the most for and no love comes close to that of the love of a parent because we don't sacrifice things as much for others. If we were to sacrifice more for others we would feel a greater love. That is how and why men love whom they serve. I don't know why it works out that way, I just know it does. When it comes to love I know that there are other factors involved. Take for instance..I have a friend, a man friend, that I absolutely love and adore. So much so that I don't think he understands it, hell I don't even understand it. But I love him so much and I feel a connection to him, however, I know that a relationship with this man is not possible. How can that be? Because we are not compatible at all in our personalities at all and the love I feel for him is not that of a romantic love, but a serious connection. I believe partly due to the fact that he was willing to show me kindness in his own way in my darkest hour of need. I don't want to be all sap all the time but it is partly who I am. There is actually a group of men that I am in love with. My ex co workers. The thing is they helped me get through some really difficult months after Phillip died. They are imperfect, crazy on the verge of insanity type that I respect and love more than what I thought was possible. I left that job and went to the next with that some feeling in my heart and carried it to the rest of my now coworkers. My heart can't help but love those around me. Sometimes, I think it's a defect. I don't know where this love comes from and why I feel the way I do about others, but I can't help it. I don't know how to not fall in love. I must say that makes it extremely hard for me in relationships sometimes..I don't know if I know how to not fall in love with someone and then we break up or whatever and I get hurt and more cynical and feel more alone than ever. I start to question if there is a man out there for me. All I need is one man. One man that understands that is my heart and will be my rock. I've tried to have that man a couple of times. My first marriage ended but gave me my whole life and my reason for being, my children. And well my 2nd attempt started to fall apart drastically and right in the middle of it all, he was taken from this earth. I used to think that being 21 and divorced with 2 children has a stigma attached..now I'm think oh great to be 25 divorced, remarried then widowed can't be any better. Maybe those are just things that I tell myself to get through the hard times. It's the stigma. They say that you have to be the person that you want to attract. Well I am that person and I am right now exactly who I want to be. I'm sure I'll change and evolve over time in my thoughts and attitudes just as wear happens or how streams of water mold rocks or the winds of time and change. I'm sure there is some eloquent way of putting it..I have the gift of gab but not the gift of eloquence! I can't do this on my own and I don't want to. I may be independent but that to me is irrelevant. I need support now more than ever. I am trying my best to make my life better for myself and my children...I think I know where to find my emotional support at the end of the day....now, where can I find my physical support?

Summer + Love

The first thought that is coming to my mind is that of my dear sister Rachel.."It is funny how life gets in the way of life." I can't even think of the last time I wrote. This is my normal though. I get into something for a little while, something happens, something has to take the back burner. Then I find myself struggling to recall all the recent events in order to put them on paper. I want this for me. I want this for my children. I think about making a mark in history. I realized in the past two months or so that I don't know enough of my family history. I can't recall many stories of my grand parents and find myself yearning for their wisdom and experience. I wonder the beautiful stories that they have that I can pass on to my children. This is how I will always be remembered by my children. I had someone compliment me the other day stating that I write how I speak. My response to that is that I am glad that my voice can be heard when it's read! I've got an opportunity knocking on my door and I've opened it up, however, I have not let the opportunity start yet. You see the truth is right now I'm struggling. Things are a bit tight in the finance department and this opportunity requires a minimal amount of money. I have weighed the pros and cons and I want to take the chance. I just have to be patient. Another co worker of mine the other day said to me, "Stacy, your patient, aren't you?" To which I replied, "Only with people." Make that other people. When I want something, I want it normally right then and there or I don't stop wanting it. Which brings me to another question asked of me. Another friend of mine asked me if I could have 3 wishes, what would they be? I really could not answer him. I have been asked that question time and time again through out my childhood and life. But the only thing that I was able to respond was that there is nothing that I want that I don't feel like I can attain. Therefore, I have no need to wish for something, only a need to write down my goals and what I want and embark on the journey to get it. I have done that thus far in my life and I will continue to do so. I think my mom said "try, try again." I'm sure someone else did too but it only matters from my mother. I try and try and try again until I ultimately get what I want. Sometimes it seems too good to be true. But it really is amazing what you can accomplish when you set a goal and start working on it. There have been times that I've had no idea how to even start the process. I watch for cues. I am an observer. I watch and listen to people and everything around me as a way to manifest to me what I need to do. I pay attention to how I feel. I get an idea and then I go with it.
I am missing my children here like crazy. It is hard to be separated from my children by more than 1200 miles and to not have them give me their unconditional love. I just thought to myself, that's why we like to keep our children around, because they love us anyway! Too funny. Anyhow. I have been taking the time to really discover my likes and dislikes. Where I am a mother, I am also Stacy. I've started some new hobbies. This has not come easy to me at all. In fact, a month ago, I was experiencing anxiety reminiscent of that after my daughter was born. I don't think I've been very public about my post par tum depression. It was always something that scared me. Now being a mom of 2 kids, it's still something that I have to deal with to some degree. I know this may sound odd but this is what happened...you see, I think my fear has always been that the anxiety that I feel is somehow a permanent feeling or condition, something that would not go away and I did not, do not, like that feeling. It wasn't until it dawned on me that it is only a feeling. Like all my other feelings that I've had, they have not lasted. There have been times when I've been happy, sad, angry or anxious and it's gone away or changed. I realized that it is only something that I am experiencing at that point and time and not a permanent condition. It is something that I can change, I just have to find a way to cope. I find myself saying to myself and others that is all you can do. Find a way to cope. But you have to cope in a way that is not detrimental to your well being or to that of your family. I find it selfish to put yourself in positions to risk your life, especially if you have children. Drinking and driving, recreational drugs, carelessness..these are habits that ultimately come at a price. We get away with it for so long until it eventually catches up with us. Are those things worth the possible price that can be paid? Your life? Your children's? How do you evaluate the risk? There is so much selfishness in the world. I think it is funny because it is all in the name of self discovery. Where I believe that one must find who they are and learn to love themselves, it does not give them permission to behave in such a way of carelessness or selfishness. I am in a relationship with someone that has been by far the most interesting one I've ever had. He makes me want to be a better person. He brings out a side of me that gives me a desire to push forward and to succeed. I like who I am with him. The moment that I realized that I can trust again despite my heartaches and that I trust him was a moment of bliss. I thought that I could have lost my desire to love. As it turns out, I have not lost it! I still have plenty to give. I found myself watching some movies on Lifetime today and I have been thinking about love. Love is like faith. "Faith is never true faith until it is tried." (Thanks Lifetime) I feel the same about love. When you fall in love with someone and you commit to them in essence you are saying, "I love you so much that no matter what happens I will stand by your side." I wonder if people just say that to say it or if they actually mean it. It's like "I love you until you tick me off so bad to the point that I don't think your good for me anymore because really when I said I love you, what I meant was that I love you until it no longer benefits me." Is that really love? Another friend and boss of mine put something into words that I never could before.."People are always going to disappoint us." It will happen at one point or another, we will be let down or disappointed by the ones we love. But it's like another wise sister of mine who said, " Remember marriage is about compatibility, but most importantly I think, about forgiveness. You have to be able to forgive each other (not for your pasts) for each day when you fail and when it effects the progression of your family unit, or or relationship, or your individual self, and to be able to look each other in the eyes again without regret." And I will add that you will continue to love them anyway. True love doesn't exist in relationships when it's all kisses and roses, it's when we're upset or disappointed and where we realize that it is only a moment of time. At the end it's about putting the needs of others before our own. Again not to sacrifice or to lose ourselves, but something we choose to do out of love. It is something to be learned. My current suitor has been experiencing some difficulties in his life and we've slowed down our relationship. He said to me he knows that it is not fair to me. The only thing that I could think of is, if I care for you as I do then I will allow you whatever time you need. I can not honestly say I care for you or that I'm learning how to love again because of you and the moment I don't get my way, your out of here. That to me is unfathomable. What are we willing to do for others? What are we willing to sacrifice? It doesn't matter about what other people think it should be, it's about what it should be for you. All things have to be taken into consideration. What matters at the end of our day is our journey individually and collectively. I pray to one day meet God face to face with no regret. My relationship with God is that, mine. The same is true for the relationship with myself and my family members. I wonder what it's going to take. I imagined for a moment what I think heaven will be like. It put chills down my spine. It did so because if it's something more that I can imagine, goodness gracious, I am one heck of a dreamer!

Observations...Be forewarned..This is lengthy

I've had quit some time to myself the past couple weeks. So much time in fact that I feel it's been too much time. It's been a rough couple of weeks to be honest. But here I am alone again and I've made some interesting observations about myself the past couple of weeks. It all started over memorial day weekend, when I drove Ethan and Haley down to Texas so they can spend some time with their dad. On the way down, I had some type of nervous break down. All I can say is thank heavens for my friend who drove down with me and thank heavens that the kids slept most of the trip down! I started to feel anxious all over again, to the extent that I had before. For those of you who suffer from anxiety to any degree, I completely empathize. It is not easy. Again thank heavens for my new friend who I probably should have scared off to some degree. Thank you Crystal. Anyhow, so that moment seemed to trigger multiple recurrences of anxiety and mild panic attacks. I realized that memorial day weekend was the anniversary weekend that started the events to lead to mine and Phillip's separation that ultimately ended up with the accident. All I could do was cry and relive every moment from that moment on. I had not felt anxiety like that for some time and it was near to unbearable. I did not know how to deal with it, sometimes I still don't. I did not realize that Phillip's death had the impact that it did on my children until that trip. When my kids got in the car with their Grandfather who would be taking them on to see their father, my sweet little boy's eyes swelled up with tears and he looked at me and said, "Mommy, don't die." I can't seem to get that image out of my head. You see the last time my kids went to Texas or before they left rather, they said good bye to Phillip, or rather again Phillip said good bye to them. I remember being somewhat bothered by the way he said bye to my children like he would never see them again. Subsequently, they never saw him again. Phillip died in the car accident while they were away. I never told them when it happened. I did not tell them until they came home. I thought they were too young to really understand what happened. That was until that moment. My little angel daughter soon followed with the tears. That moment I burst into tears and could only hug and kiss my children who were so obviously torn. They were so excited to go see their father and yet so afraid of me dying like their step father. I don't recall many other moments of feeling so helpless. My kids are still in Texas and are distracted with all the current events that I can only hope they are feeling better. Then one of my wise sister's stated, "Stacy, maybe they need this for their own well being. They need to go away and come back and realize that Phillip's death was an accident." That to some degree made me feel better. I am dating another man and my children know him. My children miss him and want to talk to him. I think I prayed to God that I also need him to stick around for a bit for the same reason. I don't think I really told him that, but I will...soon. I've had more moments of anxiety with my kids being gone and while my love interest was on vacation. I had so much alone time and little communication with both. I did everything I could think of to keep myself busy. While that lasted a grand total of a few hours during the entire time period, I was paying attention to everything that was going on. You see, I've done my best, well mediocre best, to exercise and eat well. I noticed a change in my habits and cravings during those moments and now. You see since the other day and my more recent "episode" the feelings I was experiencing are no longer present. At least not in the form of feeling but I'm thinking more in the form of food. I can't explain the burden that was lifted with my boyfriend's safe return home. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. He's back and I can't be more excited to see him. I haven't seen him yet and he's been back since yesterday, but I can't wait to embrace him. He is such a good man. I don't even think he realizes it. I talked to Phillip the other day about him. This is what I said..I said,"Phillip, if you can hear me and of course whenever you have time, will you let me know if I can move on, a part of me does not want to move on for fear of forgetting you and I don't know if I am ready to let go, but again maybe you can tell me in a dream..but no rush." Well, he must have heard me instantly because I felt a swelling in my heart that made me think, ".....Wait, what....is that you? I haven't felt something like that since before we got married..is that really you?..." All I heard was, "Yes." I said, "...Are you trying to tell me it's okay to move on, because when I said let me know, you really don't have to right now, I was thinking later on, you know when I'm "ready" to let go and after I can hold on a little longer (in implied guilt)." All I could hear again was, "Yes, let go" I said, "I love you, I don't want to let go." He said, "I love you too, let go." At that moment I don't think I could hold back tears for much longer and I started to feel more anxiety. That previous Saturday, I went to the cemetery, to his grave and sat there and told him how much I missed him and loved him while I talked to my sister on the phone. The next Sunday I went by the cemetery again, and by my old house and went to visit my old ward. I cried nearly all day long. I was reliving that moment and all the memories. I walked into my old church ward relief society and saw the women who knew me before and embraced them with tears as they did the same. We cried together. I expressed my feelings and did not try to fight my tears. I think I would have lingered on in those moments and would have let myself fall into some sort of depression. I tried so hard to fight those feelings. I talked to anyone and everyone that I could to prevent that from happening. That next Monday is when I could hear Phillip's words. I went to visit an old neighbor and was told in a blessing that Phillip has reached a full understanding and wants me to be happy. A week prior to this and another instance of anxiety occurred when I for a moment envisioned my future and did not like what I could foresee. I know am again at a cross roads. I am at a moment in time where some things mean more to me than others and I am at a point in my life that will greatly impact the next at least 5 years of my life easy. I haven't quite made up my mind yet. All I can say is this, there were moments that I did not know if I could get through them. Any person who suffers from anxiety I think can empathize. But it's been a few days now and I am feeling so much better. I can't even put into words how much better I feel. But I am paying attention to my body and what it has been craving. I believe definitely in a direct correlation between food cravings, feelings and emotions and overall health. All I can say is I need to make up my mind here and I need to be happy again. I am working on it. It is definitely a journey. I've been so caught up in my emotions that I have missed some of the things that I normally can appreciate. The little things. Here I go again wanting to over think things. I don't want to do that any longer. I realized that the things that happen really are such a small moment in time at the end of the day and too much philosophical thinking can be depressing. I don't want to do too much more of that. I normally would re read my blog or post before I post it. I don't even think that I want to do that. Right now what I want to do is get dressed up, do my hair, and head out on the town. Who cares that I only need to go grocery shopping!

Choices

I know what your thinking. Your thinking that this is unlike my most recent pattern.
I like to keep things interesting...and keep people guessing! Why? Some may say because I don't want anyone to know really who I am, while others may say because variety is the spice of life. Both? That brings me to a theory. I don't always believe in a right and wrong, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think there is right and right, just different. For instance how the hubby does laundry (wishful thinking?) vs. how the wifey does laundry, or the dishes, or mows the grass, or make the toilet paper go over or under. I mean really at the end of the day does any of that matter. I never read the book but I know it exist somewhere, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Yep, that's all small stuff to me and not right or wrong just different. Anyhow, I will cary on now. Choices. We all have choices. I used to think that I had this clear idea or picture of what I thought my future was going to be for me and my children. I had my own idea and then it's like my sister says, it's funny how life gets in the way of life. Oh the irony. Here I am reflecting on all the choices that I've made that have led me right to where I am now. It's time for me to make another difficult choice. I have this thing where I love people. Sometimes people annoy me but for the most part I think people are pretty cool. If I could have one wish it would not be world peace, all the riches in the world or never ending wishes, no, it would be that all people find their purpose and happiness in their life. That would be my one wish. Sometimes we are faced with choices that we don't want to make and we want someone to make them for us. This however is not the way it is supposed to be. There are things that we don't want to let go of and we let them weigh us down. I think the thing I don't understand is how we can go from one extreme to the other. And of course by we, I clearly mean me. If something doesn't work out for us in the way we think we should or because we struggle with a particular weakness, we think that we must not try at all. This would be opposite of what Socrates said. "......That we need not even try...." to find out that which we do not know if we truly believe that it can not be known. In attempt to find self love and acceptance and to equally except others for who they are, one must not go from one extreme to the next to express "individuality." But one does need to make choices good and bad to find truth in who they are. I think that I've missed the mark a couple of times. I only pray that now I will be braver and more courageous in the choices that I make. That now everything I do or say will lead me to where I want to go. I think we just have to find where we want to go in life. I only pray to be a positive influence for all those in whom I meet through out my life. I want to be a force for good. I know that I make mistakes and so my only other prayer is that while wanting to be a force for good, that may mistakes don't lead away the hearts of those around me. There are choices that I've made most recently and I'm sure more that I'll make in the future that will convey the opposite of my previous prayer. For that, I must ask for your forgiveness in advance. Know that while I am attempting to find myself and happiness that my most recent choices have not been the best. I strongly believe to each their own and that all deserve the same respect. If you don't have a friend come sit next to me. I also believe that I can relate to anyone about something, anything. I've yet to meet someone that I have not been able to relate to in some way. That's why I love people. Here's hoping that my future endeavors and choices lead me to where I want to go.

Interesting thoughts, weird notions and other things.

"...But One thing I would fight for to the end, both in word and deed if I were able-that if we believed that we must try to find out what is not known, we should be better and braver and less idle than if we believed that what we do not know it, is impossible to find out and that we need not even try."-Socrates. So as long as we live there is reason to search for truth or for that which is not known. In the book the great Dialogues of Plato, he talks of things being "remembered" and not "taught" as if all things were meant to be re discovered by man. That it must be that we existed with the Gods prior to coming here because of our state of being. What heavenly truth! It's been a couple weeks since I've written last, and it's been an interesting couple of weeks at that. Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrite. Like it seems that what I am doing is not leading me where I want to go. Where am I going? That I'm not to sure of. I've had different discussions on love with a few different people in the last couple of weeks. And currently one thing that I am guilty of is not taking my own advice. Hypocritical. However, I must say that which I believe to be said or enforced of others should be to me as well. At times I am cynical. But don't let me fool you. I'm a closet romantic. I've found myself saying that love isn't enough. But the more I talk to people about love vs. in love vs. a motherly love and so on, the more I think that's a ridiculous idea! Love is enough! Love is the answer to everything. I don't care what it is, it is love that is the answer. If love is not enough, then absolutely nothing on God's green planet is enough! It's unconditional, unbiased, eternal nature of this thing that we seek and long after. Passion is another story. But love is the answer. That's why we are here, that's why we can get to where we want to go and that's why we all want to have more of it. I had a question last week..no two weeks ago to a colleague. The question was a question that now I can't remember what I was seeking for. In fact, the answer seems to be so simple and apparent that I'm not sure why it had puzzled me so. Yet with this new information, I have not changed my stubborn ways. Is it wrong to expect the most out of yourself and not out of other people. I think that there is some amount of expectation that you can place on people, as long as you don't expect it to happen your way. And right now, would someone please cram those words down my throat. Wow. Never have I needed a sentence like that one. Here I am feeling very ambivalent. But what do you do, when you know what you see is what you get, or what you can expect and your not sure if you can see that into your future. You suck it up and become and adult and express your feelings that what you do. Just like you tell everyone else to do. It's great to keep the peace and not want to argue. And yes at times the attention is twitterpating. But when you know that deep in your heart that it won't work out, your being selfish. It's just like you said before. You are denying yourself and whomever the opportunity to ever be truly happy. Karma, karma, karma. Clearly one can not believe relationships or love to be a certain way and not abide by the rules that pertain to that way. Clearly there is a double standard. And who likes those? The saying to each their own may be true but be true to your own way. There are always moments of joys, fears, heartaches, tears, laughter, kindness and ups and downs. I believe more and more each day that things should be felt to such a degree, the little things. You know what though? As I have engaged in playful banter with a friend of mine on the topic of men vs. women, logic vs. emotion. I've decided that it's the perfect balance. Thus proving again that nature's math is always correct and that men and women are meant to be together. I imagine that the after life would be very similar to our life now, just different. Which seems to be an oxymoron I know but nonetheless true. I can't imagine an after life that would be so terribly different than life as we know it to be now. It just doesn't make sense. What does make sense is an after life that is so much better than the life we have now. I have plenty of questions. Remember we can only remember things that are true not be taught them. It is through a series of questions that we uncover or "find" the truth. Plato himself said so. I, for one, choose to believe him. My eyes are now becoming heavy and want to drift away into sleep. I don't think I should stop it from happening! There are so many questions to be had and answers to be heard. Just wait until tomorrow..there will be so many more.

The time traveling husband?

The kids are playing in the bathtub, all three of them. My cat is on my lap and I am listening to the opening music of the movie "The Time Traveler's Wife." I feel as if right now my heart is traveling and transcending all time. I'm moving in and out of feeling. My kids having swim time in the bath tub because it's a rainy day and hearing their laughter and their tears from soap in their eyes, and all I can do is smile and write. I can only seam to think of my husband. I can imagine him here with us right now. I wonder where he is. I imagine that he can move in and out of time. I yearn for the feelings of my past and long for a future that I'll never know. In the movie I was just watching, the wife knows when the husband is going to die. I don't think I could know the exact moment that my husband would be taken from me. I would rather not know. But at the same time I'd want my last moments to be that of something marvelous, which only comes from knowing the exact moment. I can see why we may know that our time will be short but not knowing exactly when or how. It's funny what things do to people and what inspires them. My heart aches for all those around me who are suffering in their family and other personal relationships. I was in training last night and we were having some sort of round table therapy session, however, I was just listening. I was listening to my fellow co workers and friends talk about some of their personal issues and I could feel their heart beat and I could see their pain. I could only imagine hugging them and kissing them and holding them and crying with them. While I refrained from all of the above I did feel an immense amount of compassion and love for that of my fellow man. I see and hear all the stories of everyone around me. And then
I think that I am in the wrong business. If only I could make a living writing. That would be writing but without any kind of credentials or background. My only qualification (which I think is the best one of all) is that I am a normal person. Full of opinions and biased like everyone else. But a loving compassionate normal person full of loving opinions and a compassionate bias. Oh there is such a thing, because that's me. I think its funny how I write. I write like the whole world is reading my words. In a way they are and the universe is receiving them. But right now I can imagine everyone reading what I have to say. I imagine that it almost be something that everyone has to do. One of those they aren't sure why they do it, they just do. I've always written that way. I've never really ever wanted to hide anything from anyone. If you could learn from me and my mistakes and we could connect in some way, then I've done something good. Anyhow, I've digressed. Isn't that what the eternal nature of life? The transcendence of time? That time as we know it does not exist and as such the relationships that we are able to carry and maintain beyond the current realm of our existence?
My music is gone now. So the initial feeling that I had as I began this blog has begun to dwindle to a less emotional more logical thought process. Can you see where the transition took place? I kind of think its funny. Sometimes when I'm feeling something and I get carried away in the daydream, I wish that I could somehow magically transpose all of my thoughts immediately to paper before I forget them. Especially those things that I wish to remember for a long time to come. Then I wonder if I'll ever have another moment like that. A moment where I can feel so much and understand so much more and so much less at the same time. That is true enlightenment. I have a great day planned for today. Time to get back to the three people who mean the world to me. They are in the other room. Swim time is now over and they are coloring the most beautiful pictures. They are a beautiful picture.

Sunday Feelings

It's been just over a week since my last update. I have thoughts swirling around like crazy in my head. It is absolutely the most beautiful day outside. The kind of weather that one desperately awaits. It's so beautiful that all I want to do is stay outside all day long..I've already been out there once..but looking out my window just doesn't seem to fill the need or longing for the outdoors. It is my connection with God. Is it just me or is there philosophy in everything? I can say something to someone, anyone, about something seemingly insignificant and be moved and have a new level of understanding. So the other day I was thinking about my life in its current state. Everything from work, school, play and my "love life." I've also been is some pretty interesting conversations with those of the opposite sex about relationships. All in the past couple of months I've encountered the following "types" of men: the forever cynical single man who thinks that men and women are to be together for brief "encounters" and that's where it ends, (I know why he thinks that) and there has been the habitual unhealthy relationships man, you know the one searching for the "it factor" and is forever searching for that "flame" that is "innate" in us as human beings, so he's not forever single just forever "the grass is greener on the other side." This guy I wouldn't necessarily say however has an unhealthy relationship with others, because he can and does communicate with others, he does however have an unhealthy relationship with himself. Different people bring out different sides of us and then there is the person who we are when we are all by lonesome. That brings me to my next type. The forever laid back guy. (Currently my favorite.) He's the one that is so laid back and understanding that it almost could come off as a lack of caring. Almost. It's the everyone lives there own life in their own way and come together at moments in time but his social calendar is so full of things that while you will partake you will not be put first kind of sense so have no expectation of it. (This type is the easiest to get a long with in my personal opinion.) The key to happiness? Keep expectations low so you never can be disappointed only pleasantly surprised. Sad I know, but a good fall back attitude sometimes! Then there is the overly obsessive guy. The one who seems to not know when enough is enough. Please stop calling/texting/writing/ and sometimes breathing because you are so incredibly annoying type of guy. The one that thinks that your world should somehow revolve around his. The excessive non stop clinginess that one would almost say is of the female species. But please don't forget the one that only comes around every 2-3 months (also one of my favorites though..so easy to deal with) kind of guy. But the problem with this guy is that he expects everything to be the same and/or different (whichever needs to apply) 2-3 months later when you finally are able to catch up. Oh yes there are so many types of men out there. Good ones, bad ones, skinny ones, phat ones, lonely ones, clingy ones, understanding ones and then the not so understanding ones. I mean for every type of female there is a type of male. Isn't life fantastically "balanced." I posted on Facebook once the following words more or less that isn't it amazing that people will form an opinion about another regardless of what one says or does, even though inaccurate? Amazing not in the awe inspiring kind of way of course more in the audacious kind of way. My whole point was be who you want to be. The person that you are most happy with. Because no matter what people will think whatever they want. (Myself included) I heard the most awesome thing from an old coworker of mine. She said it is none of your business what other people think about you. That statement could not be any more true. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Whether or not its right! That is funny though because I think everybody is right in a manner of speaking. Different doesn't mean wrong it means different. There is a gauge of right and wrong but in the most generic sense there is no such thing as right or wrong. Like how one does cleans/cooks/eats/sleeps kind of thing? Do you understand what I'm getting at? I hope so. Because the more I write the more that does not seem to be the point of today's works. Which thus brings me to the question, what is today's point? I promise that I started with one. It's more about understanding people to gain a better understanding of ourselves. To live and let live as they say. I have decided that we all want the same thing and could be put like this. Some movie has some quote of something about wanting someone to be a witness to our lives. Yes, yes, that's the one. I would say to be there for us in all times, all places, things, endeavors, trials, journeys, ups, downs, in betweens, sideways, backways and forward ways. Sound familiar to some? Hopefully so. That is what we all want. Funny how everything from the basic structure of the atom and its relationship to the elements and the nature of human beings and those of the Gods all come down to the same concept. They all need a witness in order to be and there is a force that is not seen that holds it together. Mind boggling? Good. If you don't see it then that's okay but I would ask one to think about life in its most basic form of existence. Yes even that of subatomic particles. One could not exist without something else witnessing it. I think I understand more of the whole "if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound" idea. Isn't life fantastically simplistic and beautiful? I concur. I'm not sure where I am going or whats in store but my eternal nature I can not deny. The relationships that exist cant be negated. The power that surrounds us is innate. With all these powers and energy forces and things acting on us every day, isn't it not also amazing that we still have the power to make choices. I tried explaining to someone who was in search for passion in his relationship that passion is a choice just like everything else. No one is born passionate and no two people can have innate passion that is not co created between the two of them. He of course disagreed with me. He is entitled to his opinion as I am to mine. My only hope would be that he would find happiness, joy and passion in his life that he so fervently seeks from outside sources as opposed from within. I think that the idea is for everyone to find that sense within. At least I sure hope that is the case. On that note, it surely is quite perfect outside.

Education?

Today I am faced with a topic that has plagued my mind for years now. The topic of continuing education. Ever since I was a wee baby child, I've dreamt of doing everything under the sun as a possible career. I think that comes from my dreamer side and and also the fact that I can relate to almost anything and enjoy it to some degree. Let me provide you with some examples. I've wanted to be a doctor, lawyer (district attorney), school teacher, cosmetologist, chemist, therapist, personal trainer, nutritionist, writer, massage therapist, life coach, cook/chef with my own restaurant, public relations, journalist, finance specialist and a clothes designer. Would you like to know a secret? I've explored all of these areas to some degree or another and they all still interest me. Your telling me I have to pick one? I could be a jack of all trades and well a master of all trades too couldn't I? Always exploring, learning, growing, expanding..that's my idea of life! However, that still could be the dreamer in me. Except I do plan on living for a really long time. Which only helps me with my endeavor to succeed. I suppose I am slowly running out of time. Ever so slowly. I'm at the point to where I need to pick a career path to provide some sort of stability for my children. I've done nothing but sales. And don't get me wrong sales are sales but sales? I thought I could use my foreign language speaking abilities in order to do something for humanity--and I still can but the older I get the more I think that I speak another language in order to fully understand people and to have compassion on others. Which brings me back to another dream of learning another foreign language or becoming a linguist. Which also leads me to remember my dreams of becoming law enforcement, CIA, FBI, border patrol, detective, or possibly the military. I've even wanted to work for the Department of Homeland Security. So, here I am, wanting to go back to school again and not sure of what I want to do. *Sigh* Yep. That is the great question as of late. I need a stroke of genius or inspiration right about now. Mountains anyone?

Strange things that provoke emotional responses

"If you were half the man your father is....your father was captain of the Starship for 12 minutes, he saved 800 lives including your mothers and yours, I dare you to do better..."
Do you know what that quote is from? Yep, you guessed it, Star Trek. Now, you may be asking yourself how this line amongst others has moved me to tears. Well, I rented Star Trek because I work with a bunch of what some would call "geeks." I mean you gotta love geeks, but we can get extra credit if we watch the movie, so I figure what the heck, I'll watch it. Good old Captain Kirk who was left in charge of the Starship when the Ramulens attacked the Starship and the first captain was killed. So Captain Kirk who was captain for 12 minutes and in order to defeat the Ramulen attack could not put the ship in auto pilot and had to manually fly the ship into the opponents..okay so assuming that you've seen the movie I'll get on with it. You see Captain Kirks wife was in labor when this was happening and spent the last few moments of his life talking to his wife while saving her, his baby and the rest of the crew. Ethan then asked me, "Mommy, why did he have to die?" And I proceeded to tell him that sometimes one person has to die in order to save the rest. Immediately after telling him this my thoughts turned to that of Jesus Christ and his life and mission. As some of you may know and others not, I've been on this quest of sorts in order to find some peace in my life. And of course after this thought, I thought of Phillip. How I miss him. How I wish to hold him again. How I don't deserve him. How he had to die. I think I know now that he had to die in order to save me and many more members of his family. I understand this now. I wish to hold my husband again, and hug him, and kiss him. I know that I don't deserve him but have to send out to the universe how I love him. I have made my own mistakes and traveled my own path, but the one thing that is the same is the love I feel. And through my tears of sorrow and heartache, I understand the heartache of some of those who are close to me and who are suffering from their own personal issues. The feelings of guilt, sadness, depression, wanting peace, wanting to be touched, held and loved. How my heart feels for yours. I wish you ever happiness and peace and joy. I know that you have to go through your own journey to find yourself, but I need you to know that I understand how you feel. Though we may not speak often or know each other better, I sincerely feel for you. I let myself cry today. Phillip, if your reading, I know that our time was short together. And though I'm not fully aware of the extent of your personal feelings at the time you left this world, I know that you are still very much alive. I love you and I miss you terribly. Sometimes I can feel you, I can feel your touch, your kiss, and I can see you..my only prayer is that you had some sort of peace when you died and that even though we were not in the best of times, know that I did love, no do love you. I can't express in words what I feel and only help that you are allowed to feel them with me. I have some people that were very close to me up there with you, please tell them I said hi. I never met my grandfather on my dad's side before he died but have always felt some sort of connection with him. I've never expressed that before to anyone. I can't explain it but will you introduce yourself to him and talk to him for me? I anxiously await the day to be able to see you and him face to face as well as other members of my family and friends. I know that the day will come...may God be with you until we see each other again.

Feel Like Crying

Yesterday all I could do is cry in the latter part of the day. Sometimes that's all you can offer to someone is a lending ear and cry with them. That's what I did. I must say for the first time in my entire life, I pictured my mom as a young woman. Not that she's old, I could see in my minds thought the inner child I suppose of my mother. But that was just the beginning. I could put myself in the shoes of many and began to see all that are near and dear to me in the same light. Once my thoughts turned to all of the things that I know to be going on with those I love, all I could do is cry more. My philosophy of life differs from that of most, and I am okay with that. I did, however, grasp a new concept. The only thing I can think to do is to share it in the form of poetry. If you know how my brain works, then you'd know that if you are reading this I would expect their to be a certain ambiance or mood while one would read the words I write. Preferably in the environment of music. That is because it will instill the words into your mind and affect your feelings and emphasize what one says, which makes music the unspoken power. So, my choice for this would be Il Divo or some other form of classical or opera music..but Il Divo "La Fuerza Mayor" would be the one that I'd listen to. *sigh* Yes, that was another one of my tangents. Tomorrow's tangent or one at a later date would be, communicating with friends/family/neighbors/lovers in a way that is not condescending, overbearing or left with one feeling "inferior" to whom they are speaking. That I believe occurs far to often. Makes it difficult to have conversations with people when one feels that way. They don't want to open up...oh wait..that's tomorrows tangent again. I knew that. Ahem, okay, so here is my poem. Please first create your mood or ambiance as you read and look deep inside yourself: I am you and you are me

I am you and you are me.
A man asks, how can that be?
The air I breathe, you breathe
My heart beats also within thee.
How?
Remember when you cry, I cry,
When you laugh, I laugh,
When your hurt, I hurt,
When I love you and you love me,
You are in me and I am in thee.
Because our hearts let this be.
"I am in the Father and the Father is in me"
Strong words that one can't understand,
That it is love that transcends all of man.
From the beginning of time and through eternity,
The power of love is how life came to be.
I am in you and you are in me.
You make a choice and a choice makes me,
because I am in you and you are me.
Your life for good is mine as well.
Your life for bad is my living hell.
When you are you and I am me,
We live in each other's reality.
The substance that binds you to me,
and keeps all of living life in harmony,
The unseen force that makes us be,
The one truth that always will remain,
The love that exists will never change.
Of course you are still you and I am still me,
Each of with our own unique ability
But still
I am you and you are me.

So since I did not pre write this poem, I'm sure it could be edited. I'll call it a working poem. But I hope that you can see and understand what it means. Don't be a person be a thing. Be something or someone else. One can only try to empathize with people. In my young life, I can think of many things that Ive experienced that may see to be more bad than good. But its always been my desire to know what others feel, and though I can't completely because you will always be you and experience life in your own way, I can love freely. This is the way my mind works and the thoughts that occupy it. It's my own self discovery.

Technical Difficulties

I want to apologize first off, for I have been experiencing technical difficulties with my computer. I embraced my inner geek the other day and apparently again today...it's always the details that get you. And note that blogging from your MyTouch phone apparently is not an option, (I tried). But the great news is that my computer works yet again!! Woohoo! I hope that its in a permanent working state now. So...lets see what did I blog about last? Oh yes, I remember..it was about doing good and spreading happy feelings from coast to coast. Who did you make smile or spread good feelings in whichever way possible, whether large or small? Well since I have mommy brain I don't remember exactly what I did but I know it involved making Ethan and Haley happy...and the man at the 7/11 next to my place. He said that's going to cost you 2.63 and a smile! Naturally, I smiled and he said I lit up his day. Happy feelings, that's what we are getting at here. Yes, I remember what we did now. Okay we went kite flying at the park and had a great time flying the kite. Then we had a great time getting the kite stuck in a tree. Then we had a great time trying to get the kite out of the tree. Then we had a great time not getting the kite out of the tree and leaving and eating ice cream instead. Yes, it was great times all the way around. I've been in training the past week and have expressed my feelings that everything should be celebrated to my class, where they laugh. But everything should be celebrated. Just because went I quit my job I turned it into a last minute road trip that weekend does mean anything! You know how people say, "life can't get any worse," and then it does? Well, my answer to that is to say, "man, life can't get any better," and then it does! Worked liked a charm. Life still can't get any better. (Even if it can it's not the point) So, yesterday, I laughed so hard that not only did I get a terrific ab work out but I cried. It was hilarious. Slightly more situational and well it wasn't bad per say, just not necessarily anything that I would let my young children read because we would need "the talk." And since I'm not ready to give that talk, I will refrain from sharing exactly what happened. However, I do highly recommend getting together with you friends and laughing excessively. Its good for you. Well my dear ones, I am on my way to see Satan..oh I mean Steve, my personal trainer at the gym..no no it could just be kickboxing today....hmmm...ok all I know is I'm supposed to be there at 9. Happy days to you and I love you all!

The secret to happiness!!

SShhhh....you can't tell anyone, we wouldn't want a bunch of happy smiling people running around now would we? Of course not, because that would mean that people are actually happy! Here is the only thing you need to be happy...ready??....just be happy! That's it. There is nothing more and nothing less. I think that everything should be celebrated! And my favorite saying that is catching on with people is a simple truth; someones got to! Here's how you use this expression appropriately and without bias:
"Hey Stace, my bf/gf/best friend/cousin/aunt/uncle/niece/third cousin twice removed likes to play video games/is an idiot/shops in his underwear/likes to swim in a bowl of spaghetti etc. and all you can say is someones got to! It's like I tell Ethan when he gets mad about losing a game, I simply say,"Honey, just do the best you can, but remember losing is not an easy feat either, someones got to, otherwise there can't be a winner!" Someone has got to like everything or do something for everything to happen. My favorite saying when arming a car from another dealer, they'd say "Are you going to sell it?" And of course my response always was, "Someones got to!" Just remember that someones got to somewhere! Tell that to everyone you know whenever they say something that you may not like yourself and accept it! Then watch everyone laugh! Okay my second thing for this blog today, I had a birthday party a couple of weeks ago for Ethan at Chuckecheese and had an interesting experience..We had an excellent party host, and he and I were engaged in some "happy conversation" and he said something along the lines of not giving money to the hobo's that you see on the street because all they want to spend it on is drugs or alcohol. Now I have heard this said many times and without hesitation responded, "Well hell, if I were homeless I wouldn't want to be sober either! Can you imagine getting up everyday and saying man! I am so happy to be homeless today, lets see what kind of ridicule I can get today!"..I mean I'd want to forget that I was homeless too! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't condone drug or alcohol abuse but I can understand where they would be coming from, and that's assuming that they are using the money for such things. I can't help but think what if they really do need the help? You give and what they decide to do with it is on them and not on you. You give plenty so you can receive plenty. The more you can acquire and give away to others then the more you can receive for yourself. What can you give today to someone in need? I have family that spans the continental united states, that means we should all be doing something that can create happy feelings from coast to coast! What will you do? Give hugs, smiles, kisses to friends or family, write that long lost friend a note, tell everyone you love them, plant some flowers for a nice old lady (or man), sing happy songs, make a complete stranger smile, bake something delicious and give it away? Check back tomorrow!

Lots of love

Stacy

Missing the family

I can't help but miss everyone today. I woke up in a weird mood...I must say that it was much better the night before when I woke up in a cold sweat because I dreamt about a nuclear attack on the states and I watched it first hand. Talk about scary. There is a part of me that thinks its only a matter of time before it happens which thus leads me to be a bit more grateful for this land and for our military. Which could also be why I miss the family so much. I think about how separated everyone is right now and want it to only be a temporary separation, but each of us has made our own decisions and gone our own way. I look at the world around me and everything that makes us up as living creatures and can't help but think what in the world is going on? Not because I don't know why we are here, I just think what is wrong with people? It seems that we have lost everything that is good in precious and sacred in the eyes of God and are more lost than ever. Where is the respect for each other and for life. People always want to preach about peace but no one wants to practice it. If anyone truly wants world peace then they'd understand that true world peace can only exist when you yourself exist in peace in your own world. We are each living in this world but experience our own reality, find peace in yourself and help others a long the way and peace will continue to be prevalent and will have no choice but to spread. When we stop fighting for peace but find it, it will happen. We don't need to try to police people. People are who they are and we just need to except and respect that. Why? Because if we don't we are slowly bringing ourselves down thus ultimately leading to our own destruction. So whether you believe in God or science it doesn't matter. Evolution is about survival of the fittest and the continuation of life, and it seems to me that we must be missing something in the current state that we are in. How truly remarkable it is to be able to make conscious choices and to better ourselves and to experience life! That is our consciousness, yet we still have this sub conscious, which I choose to call higher conscious, which is the reason of our existence. We don't have to think about our heart beating, or remember to breath or to tell our brain and central nervous system when and how to respond. That higher conscious is perfect, in perfect working order in each of us. Imagine if we had to remember to breath with our conscious mind! I'm willing to bet that we would not be here. But each of us here that is living and breathing has this perfect system with in us. Thus making everyone perfect. When will we realize that we are all here for the same reason? Even in a smaller scheme of things; lets take dating for example. People are so afraid of rejection and have such a low self esteem, but let me ask you this (thanks Mike..) who do you know that is not afraid of rejection and has an excellent sense of self? I'm sure there are a few who may but as a general rule I think the opposite is true. So what do we all have to really be afraid of? I go around asking people what makes them happy and who they are and they can't answer me. It's sad. I mean of course I'm asking strangers that I meet at the grocery store, gym, neighbors, etc. but with enough of a relationship with them to merit that question. Most people can't answer it. Can you? I really do miss everyone today. I hope to see you guys soon. I love you, and we'll talk soon! Family reunion anyone?

It's one of those days

Today is just one of those days. I had an interview today at 4. It went okay, they may or may not call back for a second interview. It's funny though, the job that I was applying for was to be a personal assistant to a man who was being sued by Oprah. The charges were eventually dropped, but imagine that...me, working for a man..that was or sort of was sued by Oprah, oh and Dr. Oz. It kind of makes me laugh. The other job I applied for, still a Larry H Miller company, haven't heard back anything. However, just now, I got a phone call for another interview tomorrow. I hope this one goes better. I need a job.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Family drama happened today, but I've decided that every family has drama. So, I don't really think its just my family, its everyone. The whole human race has some sort of drama. The kids didn't behave to great today either. It must be something in the air or quite possibly in the water. Maybe its the lack of air up here in the higher elevations. A full moon? I suppose the possibilities are endless. The battle of wits that comes with a 3 year old testing her limits. I remember going through that with Ethan. I suppose its only natural to occur with Haley. The cat was kind of a butt today too, but that's not entirely fair, he always is one. I talked to Phillip today. I hope that he heard me. I try talking to him often. I think we got in a little tiff once, he was telling me "how things are and always have been, and that's not allowed" and I was like, "allowed, puh lease, why not?" I think it went on for a few minutes until I realized I was trying to argue with a dead man. I suppose I should just listen more. I miss him. I think today I asked why did he have to go so soon. And who was going to tell me that everything is going to be alright and then hug and kiss me?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I decided today to let go of a crush. Have you ever just liked someone to have someone to like so you can tell everyone else to go away? I think he was one of those kind of crushes, an excuse one. I mean don't get me wrong, I like him and all, I just don't think that it would work. Not that it couldn't just that it wouldn't. Understand? Not that I wouldn't be willing to give it a shot either, just don't think I'll have the chance. It's all over the place. Kind of like me and my thoughts today. Could life be any better today? Honestly, I don't think so. It's just one of those days.

Do you ever?

Do you ever just want to write? What? It doesn't matter. Just write. What you think and what you feel. Have you ever wanted to climb to the top of a mountain and just scream? Why? Because it just seems like a good idea. There is no other reason than that. Do you ever listen to a song that is so thought provoking that you can't help but get lost inside yourself and dream? Do you ever take a moment each day to truly reflect upon your life and how you got to where you are? Do you ever take a moment to be truly grateful for what it is you do have instead of what you don't? Something that is said and repeated over and over again but yet for some reason we don't. Are you ever moved by the way birds fly together? Does a full harvest moon take your breath away? Do you hear the silence of mountains? Do flowers make you dream? Does music speak to your soul? Do you see the beauty in simple things? Do you know that everyone is perfect just the way they are? Do you feel the energy that surrounds you? Do you know a child's love? Do you know who you are? Do you know your worth? What is strength? What makes you happy? What are you passionate about? What moves you? What drives you? What do you believe? Who are you? What are you? When will you?
Who am I?
A force of nature.
What am I?
Energy.
How will I?
One step at a time.
When will I?
Forever.
The power of one. One mind. One body. One spirit. My trinity.
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that of which we are truly capable."
This is me. This is who I am. This is what I feel. This is what I do. This is what I know. This is what I want to share. This is my life.