Sunday Feelings

It's been just over a week since my last update. I have thoughts swirling around like crazy in my head. It is absolutely the most beautiful day outside. The kind of weather that one desperately awaits. It's so beautiful that all I want to do is stay outside all day long..I've already been out there once..but looking out my window just doesn't seem to fill the need or longing for the outdoors. It is my connection with God. Is it just me or is there philosophy in everything? I can say something to someone, anyone, about something seemingly insignificant and be moved and have a new level of understanding. So the other day I was thinking about my life in its current state. Everything from work, school, play and my "love life." I've also been is some pretty interesting conversations with those of the opposite sex about relationships. All in the past couple of months I've encountered the following "types" of men: the forever cynical single man who thinks that men and women are to be together for brief "encounters" and that's where it ends, (I know why he thinks that) and there has been the habitual unhealthy relationships man, you know the one searching for the "it factor" and is forever searching for that "flame" that is "innate" in us as human beings, so he's not forever single just forever "the grass is greener on the other side." This guy I wouldn't necessarily say however has an unhealthy relationship with others, because he can and does communicate with others, he does however have an unhealthy relationship with himself. Different people bring out different sides of us and then there is the person who we are when we are all by lonesome. That brings me to my next type. The forever laid back guy. (Currently my favorite.) He's the one that is so laid back and understanding that it almost could come off as a lack of caring. Almost. It's the everyone lives there own life in their own way and come together at moments in time but his social calendar is so full of things that while you will partake you will not be put first kind of sense so have no expectation of it. (This type is the easiest to get a long with in my personal opinion.) The key to happiness? Keep expectations low so you never can be disappointed only pleasantly surprised. Sad I know, but a good fall back attitude sometimes! Then there is the overly obsessive guy. The one who seems to not know when enough is enough. Please stop calling/texting/writing/ and sometimes breathing because you are so incredibly annoying type of guy. The one that thinks that your world should somehow revolve around his. The excessive non stop clinginess that one would almost say is of the female species. But please don't forget the one that only comes around every 2-3 months (also one of my favorites though..so easy to deal with) kind of guy. But the problem with this guy is that he expects everything to be the same and/or different (whichever needs to apply) 2-3 months later when you finally are able to catch up. Oh yes there are so many types of men out there. Good ones, bad ones, skinny ones, phat ones, lonely ones, clingy ones, understanding ones and then the not so understanding ones. I mean for every type of female there is a type of male. Isn't life fantastically "balanced." I posted on Facebook once the following words more or less that isn't it amazing that people will form an opinion about another regardless of what one says or does, even though inaccurate? Amazing not in the awe inspiring kind of way of course more in the audacious kind of way. My whole point was be who you want to be. The person that you are most happy with. Because no matter what people will think whatever they want. (Myself included) I heard the most awesome thing from an old coworker of mine. She said it is none of your business what other people think about you. That statement could not be any more true. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Whether or not its right! That is funny though because I think everybody is right in a manner of speaking. Different doesn't mean wrong it means different. There is a gauge of right and wrong but in the most generic sense there is no such thing as right or wrong. Like how one does cleans/cooks/eats/sleeps kind of thing? Do you understand what I'm getting at? I hope so. Because the more I write the more that does not seem to be the point of today's works. Which thus brings me to the question, what is today's point? I promise that I started with one. It's more about understanding people to gain a better understanding of ourselves. To live and let live as they say. I have decided that we all want the same thing and could be put like this. Some movie has some quote of something about wanting someone to be a witness to our lives. Yes, yes, that's the one. I would say to be there for us in all times, all places, things, endeavors, trials, journeys, ups, downs, in betweens, sideways, backways and forward ways. Sound familiar to some? Hopefully so. That is what we all want. Funny how everything from the basic structure of the atom and its relationship to the elements and the nature of human beings and those of the Gods all come down to the same concept. They all need a witness in order to be and there is a force that is not seen that holds it together. Mind boggling? Good. If you don't see it then that's okay but I would ask one to think about life in its most basic form of existence. Yes even that of subatomic particles. One could not exist without something else witnessing it. I think I understand more of the whole "if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound" idea. Isn't life fantastically simplistic and beautiful? I concur. I'm not sure where I am going or whats in store but my eternal nature I can not deny. The relationships that exist cant be negated. The power that surrounds us is innate. With all these powers and energy forces and things acting on us every day, isn't it not also amazing that we still have the power to make choices. I tried explaining to someone who was in search for passion in his relationship that passion is a choice just like everything else. No one is born passionate and no two people can have innate passion that is not co created between the two of them. He of course disagreed with me. He is entitled to his opinion as I am to mine. My only hope would be that he would find happiness, joy and passion in his life that he so fervently seeks from outside sources as opposed from within. I think that the idea is for everyone to find that sense within. At least I sure hope that is the case. On that note, it surely is quite perfect outside.

Education?

Today I am faced with a topic that has plagued my mind for years now. The topic of continuing education. Ever since I was a wee baby child, I've dreamt of doing everything under the sun as a possible career. I think that comes from my dreamer side and and also the fact that I can relate to almost anything and enjoy it to some degree. Let me provide you with some examples. I've wanted to be a doctor, lawyer (district attorney), school teacher, cosmetologist, chemist, therapist, personal trainer, nutritionist, writer, massage therapist, life coach, cook/chef with my own restaurant, public relations, journalist, finance specialist and a clothes designer. Would you like to know a secret? I've explored all of these areas to some degree or another and they all still interest me. Your telling me I have to pick one? I could be a jack of all trades and well a master of all trades too couldn't I? Always exploring, learning, growing, expanding..that's my idea of life! However, that still could be the dreamer in me. Except I do plan on living for a really long time. Which only helps me with my endeavor to succeed. I suppose I am slowly running out of time. Ever so slowly. I'm at the point to where I need to pick a career path to provide some sort of stability for my children. I've done nothing but sales. And don't get me wrong sales are sales but sales? I thought I could use my foreign language speaking abilities in order to do something for humanity--and I still can but the older I get the more I think that I speak another language in order to fully understand people and to have compassion on others. Which brings me back to another dream of learning another foreign language or becoming a linguist. Which also leads me to remember my dreams of becoming law enforcement, CIA, FBI, border patrol, detective, or possibly the military. I've even wanted to work for the Department of Homeland Security. So, here I am, wanting to go back to school again and not sure of what I want to do. *Sigh* Yep. That is the great question as of late. I need a stroke of genius or inspiration right about now. Mountains anyone?

Strange things that provoke emotional responses

"If you were half the man your father is....your father was captain of the Starship for 12 minutes, he saved 800 lives including your mothers and yours, I dare you to do better..."
Do you know what that quote is from? Yep, you guessed it, Star Trek. Now, you may be asking yourself how this line amongst others has moved me to tears. Well, I rented Star Trek because I work with a bunch of what some would call "geeks." I mean you gotta love geeks, but we can get extra credit if we watch the movie, so I figure what the heck, I'll watch it. Good old Captain Kirk who was left in charge of the Starship when the Ramulens attacked the Starship and the first captain was killed. So Captain Kirk who was captain for 12 minutes and in order to defeat the Ramulen attack could not put the ship in auto pilot and had to manually fly the ship into the opponents..okay so assuming that you've seen the movie I'll get on with it. You see Captain Kirks wife was in labor when this was happening and spent the last few moments of his life talking to his wife while saving her, his baby and the rest of the crew. Ethan then asked me, "Mommy, why did he have to die?" And I proceeded to tell him that sometimes one person has to die in order to save the rest. Immediately after telling him this my thoughts turned to that of Jesus Christ and his life and mission. As some of you may know and others not, I've been on this quest of sorts in order to find some peace in my life. And of course after this thought, I thought of Phillip. How I miss him. How I wish to hold him again. How I don't deserve him. How he had to die. I think I know now that he had to die in order to save me and many more members of his family. I understand this now. I wish to hold my husband again, and hug him, and kiss him. I know that I don't deserve him but have to send out to the universe how I love him. I have made my own mistakes and traveled my own path, but the one thing that is the same is the love I feel. And through my tears of sorrow and heartache, I understand the heartache of some of those who are close to me and who are suffering from their own personal issues. The feelings of guilt, sadness, depression, wanting peace, wanting to be touched, held and loved. How my heart feels for yours. I wish you ever happiness and peace and joy. I know that you have to go through your own journey to find yourself, but I need you to know that I understand how you feel. Though we may not speak often or know each other better, I sincerely feel for you. I let myself cry today. Phillip, if your reading, I know that our time was short together. And though I'm not fully aware of the extent of your personal feelings at the time you left this world, I know that you are still very much alive. I love you and I miss you terribly. Sometimes I can feel you, I can feel your touch, your kiss, and I can see you..my only prayer is that you had some sort of peace when you died and that even though we were not in the best of times, know that I did love, no do love you. I can't express in words what I feel and only help that you are allowed to feel them with me. I have some people that were very close to me up there with you, please tell them I said hi. I never met my grandfather on my dad's side before he died but have always felt some sort of connection with him. I've never expressed that before to anyone. I can't explain it but will you introduce yourself to him and talk to him for me? I anxiously await the day to be able to see you and him face to face as well as other members of my family and friends. I know that the day will come...may God be with you until we see each other again.

Feel Like Crying

Yesterday all I could do is cry in the latter part of the day. Sometimes that's all you can offer to someone is a lending ear and cry with them. That's what I did. I must say for the first time in my entire life, I pictured my mom as a young woman. Not that she's old, I could see in my minds thought the inner child I suppose of my mother. But that was just the beginning. I could put myself in the shoes of many and began to see all that are near and dear to me in the same light. Once my thoughts turned to all of the things that I know to be going on with those I love, all I could do is cry more. My philosophy of life differs from that of most, and I am okay with that. I did, however, grasp a new concept. The only thing I can think to do is to share it in the form of poetry. If you know how my brain works, then you'd know that if you are reading this I would expect their to be a certain ambiance or mood while one would read the words I write. Preferably in the environment of music. That is because it will instill the words into your mind and affect your feelings and emphasize what one says, which makes music the unspoken power. So, my choice for this would be Il Divo or some other form of classical or opera music..but Il Divo "La Fuerza Mayor" would be the one that I'd listen to. *sigh* Yes, that was another one of my tangents. Tomorrow's tangent or one at a later date would be, communicating with friends/family/neighbors/lovers in a way that is not condescending, overbearing or left with one feeling "inferior" to whom they are speaking. That I believe occurs far to often. Makes it difficult to have conversations with people when one feels that way. They don't want to open up...oh wait..that's tomorrows tangent again. I knew that. Ahem, okay, so here is my poem. Please first create your mood or ambiance as you read and look deep inside yourself: I am you and you are me

I am you and you are me.
A man asks, how can that be?
The air I breathe, you breathe
My heart beats also within thee.
How?
Remember when you cry, I cry,
When you laugh, I laugh,
When your hurt, I hurt,
When I love you and you love me,
You are in me and I am in thee.
Because our hearts let this be.
"I am in the Father and the Father is in me"
Strong words that one can't understand,
That it is love that transcends all of man.
From the beginning of time and through eternity,
The power of love is how life came to be.
I am in you and you are in me.
You make a choice and a choice makes me,
because I am in you and you are me.
Your life for good is mine as well.
Your life for bad is my living hell.
When you are you and I am me,
We live in each other's reality.
The substance that binds you to me,
and keeps all of living life in harmony,
The unseen force that makes us be,
The one truth that always will remain,
The love that exists will never change.
Of course you are still you and I am still me,
Each of with our own unique ability
But still
I am you and you are me.

So since I did not pre write this poem, I'm sure it could be edited. I'll call it a working poem. But I hope that you can see and understand what it means. Don't be a person be a thing. Be something or someone else. One can only try to empathize with people. In my young life, I can think of many things that Ive experienced that may see to be more bad than good. But its always been my desire to know what others feel, and though I can't completely because you will always be you and experience life in your own way, I can love freely. This is the way my mind works and the thoughts that occupy it. It's my own self discovery.

Technical Difficulties

I want to apologize first off, for I have been experiencing technical difficulties with my computer. I embraced my inner geek the other day and apparently again today...it's always the details that get you. And note that blogging from your MyTouch phone apparently is not an option, (I tried). But the great news is that my computer works yet again!! Woohoo! I hope that its in a permanent working state now. So...lets see what did I blog about last? Oh yes, I remember..it was about doing good and spreading happy feelings from coast to coast. Who did you make smile or spread good feelings in whichever way possible, whether large or small? Well since I have mommy brain I don't remember exactly what I did but I know it involved making Ethan and Haley happy...and the man at the 7/11 next to my place. He said that's going to cost you 2.63 and a smile! Naturally, I smiled and he said I lit up his day. Happy feelings, that's what we are getting at here. Yes, I remember what we did now. Okay we went kite flying at the park and had a great time flying the kite. Then we had a great time getting the kite stuck in a tree. Then we had a great time trying to get the kite out of the tree. Then we had a great time not getting the kite out of the tree and leaving and eating ice cream instead. Yes, it was great times all the way around. I've been in training the past week and have expressed my feelings that everything should be celebrated to my class, where they laugh. But everything should be celebrated. Just because went I quit my job I turned it into a last minute road trip that weekend does mean anything! You know how people say, "life can't get any worse," and then it does? Well, my answer to that is to say, "man, life can't get any better," and then it does! Worked liked a charm. Life still can't get any better. (Even if it can it's not the point) So, yesterday, I laughed so hard that not only did I get a terrific ab work out but I cried. It was hilarious. Slightly more situational and well it wasn't bad per say, just not necessarily anything that I would let my young children read because we would need "the talk." And since I'm not ready to give that talk, I will refrain from sharing exactly what happened. However, I do highly recommend getting together with you friends and laughing excessively. Its good for you. Well my dear ones, I am on my way to see Satan..oh I mean Steve, my personal trainer at the gym..no no it could just be kickboxing today....hmmm...ok all I know is I'm supposed to be there at 9. Happy days to you and I love you all!