Choices

I know what your thinking. Your thinking that this is unlike my most recent pattern.
I like to keep things interesting...and keep people guessing! Why? Some may say because I don't want anyone to know really who I am, while others may say because variety is the spice of life. Both? That brings me to a theory. I don't always believe in a right and wrong, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think there is right and right, just different. For instance how the hubby does laundry (wishful thinking?) vs. how the wifey does laundry, or the dishes, or mows the grass, or make the toilet paper go over or under. I mean really at the end of the day does any of that matter. I never read the book but I know it exist somewhere, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Yep, that's all small stuff to me and not right or wrong just different. Anyhow, I will cary on now. Choices. We all have choices. I used to think that I had this clear idea or picture of what I thought my future was going to be for me and my children. I had my own idea and then it's like my sister says, it's funny how life gets in the way of life. Oh the irony. Here I am reflecting on all the choices that I've made that have led me right to where I am now. It's time for me to make another difficult choice. I have this thing where I love people. Sometimes people annoy me but for the most part I think people are pretty cool. If I could have one wish it would not be world peace, all the riches in the world or never ending wishes, no, it would be that all people find their purpose and happiness in their life. That would be my one wish. Sometimes we are faced with choices that we don't want to make and we want someone to make them for us. This however is not the way it is supposed to be. There are things that we don't want to let go of and we let them weigh us down. I think the thing I don't understand is how we can go from one extreme to the other. And of course by we, I clearly mean me. If something doesn't work out for us in the way we think we should or because we struggle with a particular weakness, we think that we must not try at all. This would be opposite of what Socrates said. "......That we need not even try...." to find out that which we do not know if we truly believe that it can not be known. In attempt to find self love and acceptance and to equally except others for who they are, one must not go from one extreme to the next to express "individuality." But one does need to make choices good and bad to find truth in who they are. I think that I've missed the mark a couple of times. I only pray that now I will be braver and more courageous in the choices that I make. That now everything I do or say will lead me to where I want to go. I think we just have to find where we want to go in life. I only pray to be a positive influence for all those in whom I meet through out my life. I want to be a force for good. I know that I make mistakes and so my only other prayer is that while wanting to be a force for good, that may mistakes don't lead away the hearts of those around me. There are choices that I've made most recently and I'm sure more that I'll make in the future that will convey the opposite of my previous prayer. For that, I must ask for your forgiveness in advance. Know that while I am attempting to find myself and happiness that my most recent choices have not been the best. I strongly believe to each their own and that all deserve the same respect. If you don't have a friend come sit next to me. I also believe that I can relate to anyone about something, anything. I've yet to meet someone that I have not been able to relate to in some way. That's why I love people. Here's hoping that my future endeavors and choices lead me to where I want to go.

Interesting thoughts, weird notions and other things.

"...But One thing I would fight for to the end, both in word and deed if I were able-that if we believed that we must try to find out what is not known, we should be better and braver and less idle than if we believed that what we do not know it, is impossible to find out and that we need not even try."-Socrates. So as long as we live there is reason to search for truth or for that which is not known. In the book the great Dialogues of Plato, he talks of things being "remembered" and not "taught" as if all things were meant to be re discovered by man. That it must be that we existed with the Gods prior to coming here because of our state of being. What heavenly truth! It's been a couple weeks since I've written last, and it's been an interesting couple of weeks at that. Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrite. Like it seems that what I am doing is not leading me where I want to go. Where am I going? That I'm not to sure of. I've had different discussions on love with a few different people in the last couple of weeks. And currently one thing that I am guilty of is not taking my own advice. Hypocritical. However, I must say that which I believe to be said or enforced of others should be to me as well. At times I am cynical. But don't let me fool you. I'm a closet romantic. I've found myself saying that love isn't enough. But the more I talk to people about love vs. in love vs. a motherly love and so on, the more I think that's a ridiculous idea! Love is enough! Love is the answer to everything. I don't care what it is, it is love that is the answer. If love is not enough, then absolutely nothing on God's green planet is enough! It's unconditional, unbiased, eternal nature of this thing that we seek and long after. Passion is another story. But love is the answer. That's why we are here, that's why we can get to where we want to go and that's why we all want to have more of it. I had a question last week..no two weeks ago to a colleague. The question was a question that now I can't remember what I was seeking for. In fact, the answer seems to be so simple and apparent that I'm not sure why it had puzzled me so. Yet with this new information, I have not changed my stubborn ways. Is it wrong to expect the most out of yourself and not out of other people. I think that there is some amount of expectation that you can place on people, as long as you don't expect it to happen your way. And right now, would someone please cram those words down my throat. Wow. Never have I needed a sentence like that one. Here I am feeling very ambivalent. But what do you do, when you know what you see is what you get, or what you can expect and your not sure if you can see that into your future. You suck it up and become and adult and express your feelings that what you do. Just like you tell everyone else to do. It's great to keep the peace and not want to argue. And yes at times the attention is twitterpating. But when you know that deep in your heart that it won't work out, your being selfish. It's just like you said before. You are denying yourself and whomever the opportunity to ever be truly happy. Karma, karma, karma. Clearly one can not believe relationships or love to be a certain way and not abide by the rules that pertain to that way. Clearly there is a double standard. And who likes those? The saying to each their own may be true but be true to your own way. There are always moments of joys, fears, heartaches, tears, laughter, kindness and ups and downs. I believe more and more each day that things should be felt to such a degree, the little things. You know what though? As I have engaged in playful banter with a friend of mine on the topic of men vs. women, logic vs. emotion. I've decided that it's the perfect balance. Thus proving again that nature's math is always correct and that men and women are meant to be together. I imagine that the after life would be very similar to our life now, just different. Which seems to be an oxymoron I know but nonetheless true. I can't imagine an after life that would be so terribly different than life as we know it to be now. It just doesn't make sense. What does make sense is an after life that is so much better than the life we have now. I have plenty of questions. Remember we can only remember things that are true not be taught them. It is through a series of questions that we uncover or "find" the truth. Plato himself said so. I, for one, choose to believe him. My eyes are now becoming heavy and want to drift away into sleep. I don't think I should stop it from happening! There are so many questions to be had and answers to be heard. Just wait until tomorrow..there will be so many more.

The time traveling husband?

The kids are playing in the bathtub, all three of them. My cat is on my lap and I am listening to the opening music of the movie "The Time Traveler's Wife." I feel as if right now my heart is traveling and transcending all time. I'm moving in and out of feeling. My kids having swim time in the bath tub because it's a rainy day and hearing their laughter and their tears from soap in their eyes, and all I can do is smile and write. I can only seam to think of my husband. I can imagine him here with us right now. I wonder where he is. I imagine that he can move in and out of time. I yearn for the feelings of my past and long for a future that I'll never know. In the movie I was just watching, the wife knows when the husband is going to die. I don't think I could know the exact moment that my husband would be taken from me. I would rather not know. But at the same time I'd want my last moments to be that of something marvelous, which only comes from knowing the exact moment. I can see why we may know that our time will be short but not knowing exactly when or how. It's funny what things do to people and what inspires them. My heart aches for all those around me who are suffering in their family and other personal relationships. I was in training last night and we were having some sort of round table therapy session, however, I was just listening. I was listening to my fellow co workers and friends talk about some of their personal issues and I could feel their heart beat and I could see their pain. I could only imagine hugging them and kissing them and holding them and crying with them. While I refrained from all of the above I did feel an immense amount of compassion and love for that of my fellow man. I see and hear all the stories of everyone around me. And then
I think that I am in the wrong business. If only I could make a living writing. That would be writing but without any kind of credentials or background. My only qualification (which I think is the best one of all) is that I am a normal person. Full of opinions and biased like everyone else. But a loving compassionate normal person full of loving opinions and a compassionate bias. Oh there is such a thing, because that's me. I think its funny how I write. I write like the whole world is reading my words. In a way they are and the universe is receiving them. But right now I can imagine everyone reading what I have to say. I imagine that it almost be something that everyone has to do. One of those they aren't sure why they do it, they just do. I've always written that way. I've never really ever wanted to hide anything from anyone. If you could learn from me and my mistakes and we could connect in some way, then I've done something good. Anyhow, I've digressed. Isn't that what the eternal nature of life? The transcendence of time? That time as we know it does not exist and as such the relationships that we are able to carry and maintain beyond the current realm of our existence?
My music is gone now. So the initial feeling that I had as I began this blog has begun to dwindle to a less emotional more logical thought process. Can you see where the transition took place? I kind of think its funny. Sometimes when I'm feeling something and I get carried away in the daydream, I wish that I could somehow magically transpose all of my thoughts immediately to paper before I forget them. Especially those things that I wish to remember for a long time to come. Then I wonder if I'll ever have another moment like that. A moment where I can feel so much and understand so much more and so much less at the same time. That is true enlightenment. I have a great day planned for today. Time to get back to the three people who mean the world to me. They are in the other room. Swim time is now over and they are coloring the most beautiful pictures. They are a beautiful picture.