My least favorite Question...

It's funny how this blog thing has turned into more of a journal..it's a way of my expressing my inner most thoughts..I guess that's what all blogs are. I've actually written quite a bit on paper recently as well. For whatever reason, one I have not been able to pinpoint yet, I've been more introverted lately. The funny thing is normally I'm introverted in the beginning and then turn extroverted when I warm up to my surroundings..but I've done the opposite. Maybe it's because I'm embarking on a new beginning or just that there's been too much going on lately. I don't know. At work, we have to ask our customer's what there expectations are. That is my least favorite question. Maybe it's because I don't really like expectations. I often question was is considered to be a "reasonable expectation" in a given situation when it comes to people. You see the thing is just because I think something should be a certain way does not mean that it is. I try to have expectations while understanding that people are their own people, make their own choices and have their own expectations. There have been points in my life where my expectations were low--too low--and I've said to myself well, I can never be disappointed only pleasantly surprised!! Yes, it was my cynicism. But I'm at the point of not wanting to keep my expectations too high. Where do you find the happy medium? That's why I don't like expectations. Maybe we should keep our expectations high and just expect occasional disappointment because that's a part of life then implement forgiveness as needed. That's probably the better route the more I think of it. I really like that actually. I just had a thought..that's got to be how God works. God does not lower his expectations of us just because we disappoint him and fail repeatedly, no, no, God implements forgiveness when merited and as needed. That's a happy thought actually. Okay, so now that I've thought myself through liking expectations, let's get to pressure. The last thing anybody wants is pressure. There are some of us who perform at peak levels when under pressure. But again most people don't like pressure. So, set an expectation within reason with minimal pressure? Hmm..that question merits more thought. I'm not entirely sure how that can be accomplished. I've tried to stay away from the "supposed to be" syndrome. You know how something is "supposed to be" or how someone is "supposed to act.." (this is not applicable to God of course..when you become the Almighty you can tell me how things are supposed to be..in the meantime..no you can't) I think this way because again how people are so different. Anyhow--I don't remember where I was going with that because I had to put the kids to bed. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Phillip's death. I plan on going to his grave; I wrote him a letter. I may send it up to him in a balloon-I know it's not necessary and it's not likely to get to him because of the state of being he is in, but still it's for the tradition, or thought, or something..I don't know though..I know he is still around, at least I believe he is..I don't know how else to describe the feelings I get. I try talking to him on a regular basis, just don't always know if it's him talking back. I feel like there is a fork in the road in front of me and I need to pick a direction. *sigh* I don't know where my enthusiasm has been lately..why???? Come on already, I want to feel motivated, and I'm just not feeling it--maybe I need to get to the gym, I haven't been lately. But I'm trying to cancel that membership because times are tough and I like exercise videos--I'd so buy some new ones right now if I could, the ones I have are a n c i e n t..and scratched. Maybe it's just fear of the unknown so I'm not so enthusiastic. I'm treading lightly, taking baby steps towards the right direction. I know the motivation has to come from within--it's the light bulb or the aha moment that I need. I'm okay with baby steps. What I really need is a goal and a plan to get to that goal. I had goals six months ago but they've been revamped because they maybe were not the best. Maybe I just need to do that, find what my goals are now--what they really are. Wait a second hold the phone, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my goals 6 months ago--the problem was with the plan! Duh..really how could I have missed that? Okay, it's now time to go revise the plan..

Somebody Please Slap Me Across the Face

There's got to be at least one person out there willing to do it..I'm sure there is. I don't care whatever the reason is, I just want a hard dose of reality..I think I'm getting it..or I should say I know what it is but for whatever reason won't accept it. That's what I need, an acceptance slap. I've realized a few things over the past couple days..as long as I am still learning, I'm still doing good I suppose. Each day I learn something new, or get a new twist on things--it's actually quite invigorating. So, why the reality check? Well, at this rate I figure I won't even see a 25 year anniversary, hell I'd say I'd be pretty lucky to make it 10 years..and not even on course for a solid 5, make that not even on course to marriage. I thought to myself yesterday that it has to be because I never wanted to get divorced--it's the universe's way of messing with me, yeah you know, Karma?--it's got to be that. I talked to a friend today at work who said, "Stacy, don't you agree?" I said, "With what?" He said, "Enjoying the morning, outside on the weekend, drinking your coffee, watching the birds, with the one you love by your side?" I could only agree with him. Then I had to proceed to tell him, we'll see if I ever get that chance. I also told him how I want to be with someone who in 25 years I can look at with the same eyes as I do now. That is if I were looking at someone like that now. I think that I've been so busy trying to sell myself that I have not really been true to myself. You see, I'm too busy convincing people to like me. Weird? Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lying to anyone or pretending to be someone I'm not, just too busy saying what I am instead of being what I am..does that make sense? I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be confident and what it means to be humble. I think that being humble does not mean you have to be meek and lowly and not know your accomplishments but on the contrary, I don't think that being confident means saying or expressing your confidence in a "loud" way. Do you follow still? I find that the older I get the more quiet confident I become. It's not about what I'm doing or saying but how I do it. I think it's funny, sometimes I catch myself reading my horoscope. Don't ask me why, but I do it on occasion. So, I read my horoscope yesterday that said something to the effect of being too emotional and scaring off a potential partner..and I just laughed. I thought to myself--well, I may be too much of one thing and not enough of another, but there's got to be someone out there who can accept that. If I scare you off now, consider that a good thing! I don't know why anyone would be something that there not or with hold something from someone. I am more of a say my feelings and peace rather than not. At least I've said it. I get that I'm wordy. It's fine, it's a part of me. It's also like empathy with me. Most 99.999999% of people I empathize with. I've even been accused of being able to "understand the spawn of Satan." I figure that's a good thing as well! It's nothing other than compassion in my opinion. I will say this though--Satan? Really? I'm sure he was full of pride like others and through whatever circumstances, maybe I can understand why. Who knows though, because well, I try to avoid any associations with the devil at all cost. Just saying. *sigh* Where's my reality check again? Oh yeah, that's right, I remember now...I don't want to sell myself to others any longer. I want to be myself towards others and who that is depends largely on the side of the bed I wake up on!! Just kidding (ish). Someone else today at work said I was a little bit of everything, I've also been called a Heinz 57. I can't help it, that is my personality..a little bit of everything. Really it makes me extremely adaptable to my surroundings. Sometimes, I question if being a little bit of everything is avoidance of being all of something, but when I really think about it....no, I don't think so. I have the constants in me and as I learn and get older, things change. That is the only constant, change. I wrote a poem the other day--it's cheese..but I like cheese. I eat cheese. I was going to post it by itself but then thought just now--what the heck just post it now, people know how I like to talk.

Love Me Anyway (I am)

Love me when I'm Right

Love me when I'm Wrong

Loved me like you've never loved at All

Love me when I'm Up

Love me when I'm Down

Love me like no one else is Around

Love me when I'm Strong

Love me when I'm Scared

Love me like you'll always be There

Love me when I'm Open

Love me when I'm Shy

Love me like tomorrow we are to Die

Love me when I'm Fast

Love me when I'm Slow

Love me like you will never let Go

Love me when I'm Honest

Love me when I'm Not

Love me like all is Forgotten

Love me when I'm Young

Love me when I'm Old

Love me like a love story Untold

I promise to love you whenever you get old,

I promise to hold you and never let go.

I promise to forgive as if tomorrow we are to die,

I promise to be strong when you can only try.

I promise to love you like no one else is around

I promise to give a love to you, never before found

because

Love is enduring the pain of disappointment

and Love is forgiveness

Love is giving when you can't

Love is understanding Why

Love is giving of Yourself

Love is the ultimate Sacrifice

Love is about gladly taking another's place

Love is about forever Grace

Love is Eternal

I believe that loving someone is a choice that we can make every day. I told my sister once that I'm no good when it comes to relationships because I love everyone. I love them before they even know it and before I even know them. I don't know how to not love someone. She only laughed at me. I did however realize that where I love everyone, I don't like everyone. I hope that's not wrong of me to say--but there are few, very few in the world, that have a personality that kind of irks me, but I understand them, and kind of like them, but not at the same time..I think I'm more concerned now about finding someone that I like a whole lot..I don't know if I'll ever know what it means to be in love. Is it being twitterpated? I've been twitterpated but that sometimes scares me--for my twitterpation is not always returned. I think that's the hard part, the love not returned, even in the nth degree. I've decided though again, there's no more trying and there's a lot more being....I only need one...

I'm starting this post with out a title..that's slightly unusual for me. Normally I have a title and prethought out points that I choose to share with others. But that is not the case today. I do however have thoughts swirling around in my head that I need to get out..a title may come by the end but who knows, maybe I'll leave it blank. Sometimes thinks are just blank anyway. You know when you run out of options, ideas, and feel stuck? Yep, that's what you feel sometimes, blank. The more that things unravel here for me the more I realize that I need a support system. I am an independent woman and feel as to always have been. People tell me that I have a strong type A personality. I always thought that was a bad thing, to be head strong, but I think that's only because of how type A's are viewed. I consider myself to be again one of the most laid back easy going people to talk to. I love people, all people. I don't judge others and I am not bias. If you walk by me and I make eye contact your likely to get a smile and a hi, no matter who you are or what you look like. I like to flirt with everyone. I give compliments to those who deserve them, male or female. Lastly, I'm so overly opinionated in all that I do and wear my heart on my sleeve. When I think type A, I think obnoxious..but I don't think I am. I'm starting to learn more and more that things don't have to be a certain way. For instance, I can be an independent strong woman and still need or want a husband or companion. Independence and a drive to succeed does not mean that I want to be single for the rest of my life nor does it make me less of who I am. I realize today that I need a support system. I think we all need a support system, an emotional one and a physical one. There are way too many times where I think we, as women and even men, try to hard to be or do it all. For me it's um well difficult, not that it's not difficult for others..it's just this. I've always been viewed as a "strong one" or "independent" or even the "rock" for someone else. I know that people look to me and I am okay with that. It's just sometimes being the "rock" or the "strong, understanding/forgiving" one is hard when you know you are that and you need your own rock. But I am the one saying and feeling like "You can't make anyone be the rock for you Stacy, you have to be your own rock to some degree." I think that's what my idea of love is. A rock. Love to me isn't about all the happy glorious frazzle times, even though those are added bonuses of love..love to me is getting through the worst of times and still at looking at the other person and being like, "It's okay, your only human, and I still love you." True love is action and true love is sacrifice. If we think about those who we love most. Who are the first people to come to mind? None other than our children. It is our children that we sacrifice the most for and no love comes close to that of the love of a parent because we don't sacrifice things as much for others. If we were to sacrifice more for others we would feel a greater love. That is how and why men love whom they serve. I don't know why it works out that way, I just know it does. When it comes to love I know that there are other factors involved. Take for instance..I have a friend, a man friend, that I absolutely love and adore. So much so that I don't think he understands it, hell I don't even understand it. But I love him so much and I feel a connection to him, however, I know that a relationship with this man is not possible. How can that be? Because we are not compatible at all in our personalities at all and the love I feel for him is not that of a romantic love, but a serious connection. I believe partly due to the fact that he was willing to show me kindness in his own way in my darkest hour of need. I don't want to be all sap all the time but it is partly who I am. There is actually a group of men that I am in love with. My ex co workers. The thing is they helped me get through some really difficult months after Phillip died. They are imperfect, crazy on the verge of insanity type that I respect and love more than what I thought was possible. I left that job and went to the next with that some feeling in my heart and carried it to the rest of my now coworkers. My heart can't help but love those around me. Sometimes, I think it's a defect. I don't know where this love comes from and why I feel the way I do about others, but I can't help it. I don't know how to not fall in love. I must say that makes it extremely hard for me in relationships sometimes..I don't know if I know how to not fall in love with someone and then we break up or whatever and I get hurt and more cynical and feel more alone than ever. I start to question if there is a man out there for me. All I need is one man. One man that understands that is my heart and will be my rock. I've tried to have that man a couple of times. My first marriage ended but gave me my whole life and my reason for being, my children. And well my 2nd attempt started to fall apart drastically and right in the middle of it all, he was taken from this earth. I used to think that being 21 and divorced with 2 children has a stigma attached..now I'm think oh great to be 25 divorced, remarried then widowed can't be any better. Maybe those are just things that I tell myself to get through the hard times. It's the stigma. They say that you have to be the person that you want to attract. Well I am that person and I am right now exactly who I want to be. I'm sure I'll change and evolve over time in my thoughts and attitudes just as wear happens or how streams of water mold rocks or the winds of time and change. I'm sure there is some eloquent way of putting it..I have the gift of gab but not the gift of eloquence! I can't do this on my own and I don't want to. I may be independent but that to me is irrelevant. I need support now more than ever. I am trying my best to make my life better for myself and my children...I think I know where to find my emotional support at the end of the day....now, where can I find my physical support?

Summer + Love

The first thought that is coming to my mind is that of my dear sister Rachel.."It is funny how life gets in the way of life." I can't even think of the last time I wrote. This is my normal though. I get into something for a little while, something happens, something has to take the back burner. Then I find myself struggling to recall all the recent events in order to put them on paper. I want this for me. I want this for my children. I think about making a mark in history. I realized in the past two months or so that I don't know enough of my family history. I can't recall many stories of my grand parents and find myself yearning for their wisdom and experience. I wonder the beautiful stories that they have that I can pass on to my children. This is how I will always be remembered by my children. I had someone compliment me the other day stating that I write how I speak. My response to that is that I am glad that my voice can be heard when it's read! I've got an opportunity knocking on my door and I've opened it up, however, I have not let the opportunity start yet. You see the truth is right now I'm struggling. Things are a bit tight in the finance department and this opportunity requires a minimal amount of money. I have weighed the pros and cons and I want to take the chance. I just have to be patient. Another co worker of mine the other day said to me, "Stacy, your patient, aren't you?" To which I replied, "Only with people." Make that other people. When I want something, I want it normally right then and there or I don't stop wanting it. Which brings me to another question asked of me. Another friend of mine asked me if I could have 3 wishes, what would they be? I really could not answer him. I have been asked that question time and time again through out my childhood and life. But the only thing that I was able to respond was that there is nothing that I want that I don't feel like I can attain. Therefore, I have no need to wish for something, only a need to write down my goals and what I want and embark on the journey to get it. I have done that thus far in my life and I will continue to do so. I think my mom said "try, try again." I'm sure someone else did too but it only matters from my mother. I try and try and try again until I ultimately get what I want. Sometimes it seems too good to be true. But it really is amazing what you can accomplish when you set a goal and start working on it. There have been times that I've had no idea how to even start the process. I watch for cues. I am an observer. I watch and listen to people and everything around me as a way to manifest to me what I need to do. I pay attention to how I feel. I get an idea and then I go with it.
I am missing my children here like crazy. It is hard to be separated from my children by more than 1200 miles and to not have them give me their unconditional love. I just thought to myself, that's why we like to keep our children around, because they love us anyway! Too funny. Anyhow. I have been taking the time to really discover my likes and dislikes. Where I am a mother, I am also Stacy. I've started some new hobbies. This has not come easy to me at all. In fact, a month ago, I was experiencing anxiety reminiscent of that after my daughter was born. I don't think I've been very public about my post par tum depression. It was always something that scared me. Now being a mom of 2 kids, it's still something that I have to deal with to some degree. I know this may sound odd but this is what happened...you see, I think my fear has always been that the anxiety that I feel is somehow a permanent feeling or condition, something that would not go away and I did not, do not, like that feeling. It wasn't until it dawned on me that it is only a feeling. Like all my other feelings that I've had, they have not lasted. There have been times when I've been happy, sad, angry or anxious and it's gone away or changed. I realized that it is only something that I am experiencing at that point and time and not a permanent condition. It is something that I can change, I just have to find a way to cope. I find myself saying to myself and others that is all you can do. Find a way to cope. But you have to cope in a way that is not detrimental to your well being or to that of your family. I find it selfish to put yourself in positions to risk your life, especially if you have children. Drinking and driving, recreational drugs, carelessness..these are habits that ultimately come at a price. We get away with it for so long until it eventually catches up with us. Are those things worth the possible price that can be paid? Your life? Your children's? How do you evaluate the risk? There is so much selfishness in the world. I think it is funny because it is all in the name of self discovery. Where I believe that one must find who they are and learn to love themselves, it does not give them permission to behave in such a way of carelessness or selfishness. I am in a relationship with someone that has been by far the most interesting one I've ever had. He makes me want to be a better person. He brings out a side of me that gives me a desire to push forward and to succeed. I like who I am with him. The moment that I realized that I can trust again despite my heartaches and that I trust him was a moment of bliss. I thought that I could have lost my desire to love. As it turns out, I have not lost it! I still have plenty to give. I found myself watching some movies on Lifetime today and I have been thinking about love. Love is like faith. "Faith is never true faith until it is tried." (Thanks Lifetime) I feel the same about love. When you fall in love with someone and you commit to them in essence you are saying, "I love you so much that no matter what happens I will stand by your side." I wonder if people just say that to say it or if they actually mean it. It's like "I love you until you tick me off so bad to the point that I don't think your good for me anymore because really when I said I love you, what I meant was that I love you until it no longer benefits me." Is that really love? Another friend and boss of mine put something into words that I never could before.."People are always going to disappoint us." It will happen at one point or another, we will be let down or disappointed by the ones we love. But it's like another wise sister of mine who said, " Remember marriage is about compatibility, but most importantly I think, about forgiveness. You have to be able to forgive each other (not for your pasts) for each day when you fail and when it effects the progression of your family unit, or or relationship, or your individual self, and to be able to look each other in the eyes again without regret." And I will add that you will continue to love them anyway. True love doesn't exist in relationships when it's all kisses and roses, it's when we're upset or disappointed and where we realize that it is only a moment of time. At the end it's about putting the needs of others before our own. Again not to sacrifice or to lose ourselves, but something we choose to do out of love. It is something to be learned. My current suitor has been experiencing some difficulties in his life and we've slowed down our relationship. He said to me he knows that it is not fair to me. The only thing that I could think of is, if I care for you as I do then I will allow you whatever time you need. I can not honestly say I care for you or that I'm learning how to love again because of you and the moment I don't get my way, your out of here. That to me is unfathomable. What are we willing to do for others? What are we willing to sacrifice? It doesn't matter about what other people think it should be, it's about what it should be for you. All things have to be taken into consideration. What matters at the end of our day is our journey individually and collectively. I pray to one day meet God face to face with no regret. My relationship with God is that, mine. The same is true for the relationship with myself and my family members. I wonder what it's going to take. I imagined for a moment what I think heaven will be like. It put chills down my spine. It did so because if it's something more that I can imagine, goodness gracious, I am one heck of a dreamer!

Observations...Be forewarned..This is lengthy

I've had quit some time to myself the past couple weeks. So much time in fact that I feel it's been too much time. It's been a rough couple of weeks to be honest. But here I am alone again and I've made some interesting observations about myself the past couple of weeks. It all started over memorial day weekend, when I drove Ethan and Haley down to Texas so they can spend some time with their dad. On the way down, I had some type of nervous break down. All I can say is thank heavens for my friend who drove down with me and thank heavens that the kids slept most of the trip down! I started to feel anxious all over again, to the extent that I had before. For those of you who suffer from anxiety to any degree, I completely empathize. It is not easy. Again thank heavens for my new friend who I probably should have scared off to some degree. Thank you Crystal. Anyhow, so that moment seemed to trigger multiple recurrences of anxiety and mild panic attacks. I realized that memorial day weekend was the anniversary weekend that started the events to lead to mine and Phillip's separation that ultimately ended up with the accident. All I could do was cry and relive every moment from that moment on. I had not felt anxiety like that for some time and it was near to unbearable. I did not know how to deal with it, sometimes I still don't. I did not realize that Phillip's death had the impact that it did on my children until that trip. When my kids got in the car with their Grandfather who would be taking them on to see their father, my sweet little boy's eyes swelled up with tears and he looked at me and said, "Mommy, don't die." I can't seem to get that image out of my head. You see the last time my kids went to Texas or before they left rather, they said good bye to Phillip, or rather again Phillip said good bye to them. I remember being somewhat bothered by the way he said bye to my children like he would never see them again. Subsequently, they never saw him again. Phillip died in the car accident while they were away. I never told them when it happened. I did not tell them until they came home. I thought they were too young to really understand what happened. That was until that moment. My little angel daughter soon followed with the tears. That moment I burst into tears and could only hug and kiss my children who were so obviously torn. They were so excited to go see their father and yet so afraid of me dying like their step father. I don't recall many other moments of feeling so helpless. My kids are still in Texas and are distracted with all the current events that I can only hope they are feeling better. Then one of my wise sister's stated, "Stacy, maybe they need this for their own well being. They need to go away and come back and realize that Phillip's death was an accident." That to some degree made me feel better. I am dating another man and my children know him. My children miss him and want to talk to him. I think I prayed to God that I also need him to stick around for a bit for the same reason. I don't think I really told him that, but I will...soon. I've had more moments of anxiety with my kids being gone and while my love interest was on vacation. I had so much alone time and little communication with both. I did everything I could think of to keep myself busy. While that lasted a grand total of a few hours during the entire time period, I was paying attention to everything that was going on. You see, I've done my best, well mediocre best, to exercise and eat well. I noticed a change in my habits and cravings during those moments and now. You see since the other day and my more recent "episode" the feelings I was experiencing are no longer present. At least not in the form of feeling but I'm thinking more in the form of food. I can't explain the burden that was lifted with my boyfriend's safe return home. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. He's back and I can't be more excited to see him. I haven't seen him yet and he's been back since yesterday, but I can't wait to embrace him. He is such a good man. I don't even think he realizes it. I talked to Phillip the other day about him. This is what I said..I said,"Phillip, if you can hear me and of course whenever you have time, will you let me know if I can move on, a part of me does not want to move on for fear of forgetting you and I don't know if I am ready to let go, but again maybe you can tell me in a dream..but no rush." Well, he must have heard me instantly because I felt a swelling in my heart that made me think, ".....Wait, what....is that you? I haven't felt something like that since before we got married..is that really you?..." All I heard was, "Yes." I said, "...Are you trying to tell me it's okay to move on, because when I said let me know, you really don't have to right now, I was thinking later on, you know when I'm "ready" to let go and after I can hold on a little longer (in implied guilt)." All I could hear again was, "Yes, let go" I said, "I love you, I don't want to let go." He said, "I love you too, let go." At that moment I don't think I could hold back tears for much longer and I started to feel more anxiety. That previous Saturday, I went to the cemetery, to his grave and sat there and told him how much I missed him and loved him while I talked to my sister on the phone. The next Sunday I went by the cemetery again, and by my old house and went to visit my old ward. I cried nearly all day long. I was reliving that moment and all the memories. I walked into my old church ward relief society and saw the women who knew me before and embraced them with tears as they did the same. We cried together. I expressed my feelings and did not try to fight my tears. I think I would have lingered on in those moments and would have let myself fall into some sort of depression. I tried so hard to fight those feelings. I talked to anyone and everyone that I could to prevent that from happening. That next Monday is when I could hear Phillip's words. I went to visit an old neighbor and was told in a blessing that Phillip has reached a full understanding and wants me to be happy. A week prior to this and another instance of anxiety occurred when I for a moment envisioned my future and did not like what I could foresee. I know am again at a cross roads. I am at a moment in time where some things mean more to me than others and I am at a point in my life that will greatly impact the next at least 5 years of my life easy. I haven't quite made up my mind yet. All I can say is this, there were moments that I did not know if I could get through them. Any person who suffers from anxiety I think can empathize. But it's been a few days now and I am feeling so much better. I can't even put into words how much better I feel. But I am paying attention to my body and what it has been craving. I believe definitely in a direct correlation between food cravings, feelings and emotions and overall health. All I can say is I need to make up my mind here and I need to be happy again. I am working on it. It is definitely a journey. I've been so caught up in my emotions that I have missed some of the things that I normally can appreciate. The little things. Here I go again wanting to over think things. I don't want to do that any longer. I realized that the things that happen really are such a small moment in time at the end of the day and too much philosophical thinking can be depressing. I don't want to do too much more of that. I normally would re read my blog or post before I post it. I don't even think that I want to do that. Right now what I want to do is get dressed up, do my hair, and head out on the town. Who cares that I only need to go grocery shopping!

Choices

I know what your thinking. Your thinking that this is unlike my most recent pattern.
I like to keep things interesting...and keep people guessing! Why? Some may say because I don't want anyone to know really who I am, while others may say because variety is the spice of life. Both? That brings me to a theory. I don't always believe in a right and wrong, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think there is right and right, just different. For instance how the hubby does laundry (wishful thinking?) vs. how the wifey does laundry, or the dishes, or mows the grass, or make the toilet paper go over or under. I mean really at the end of the day does any of that matter. I never read the book but I know it exist somewhere, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Yep, that's all small stuff to me and not right or wrong just different. Anyhow, I will cary on now. Choices. We all have choices. I used to think that I had this clear idea or picture of what I thought my future was going to be for me and my children. I had my own idea and then it's like my sister says, it's funny how life gets in the way of life. Oh the irony. Here I am reflecting on all the choices that I've made that have led me right to where I am now. It's time for me to make another difficult choice. I have this thing where I love people. Sometimes people annoy me but for the most part I think people are pretty cool. If I could have one wish it would not be world peace, all the riches in the world or never ending wishes, no, it would be that all people find their purpose and happiness in their life. That would be my one wish. Sometimes we are faced with choices that we don't want to make and we want someone to make them for us. This however is not the way it is supposed to be. There are things that we don't want to let go of and we let them weigh us down. I think the thing I don't understand is how we can go from one extreme to the other. And of course by we, I clearly mean me. If something doesn't work out for us in the way we think we should or because we struggle with a particular weakness, we think that we must not try at all. This would be opposite of what Socrates said. "......That we need not even try...." to find out that which we do not know if we truly believe that it can not be known. In attempt to find self love and acceptance and to equally except others for who they are, one must not go from one extreme to the next to express "individuality." But one does need to make choices good and bad to find truth in who they are. I think that I've missed the mark a couple of times. I only pray that now I will be braver and more courageous in the choices that I make. That now everything I do or say will lead me to where I want to go. I think we just have to find where we want to go in life. I only pray to be a positive influence for all those in whom I meet through out my life. I want to be a force for good. I know that I make mistakes and so my only other prayer is that while wanting to be a force for good, that may mistakes don't lead away the hearts of those around me. There are choices that I've made most recently and I'm sure more that I'll make in the future that will convey the opposite of my previous prayer. For that, I must ask for your forgiveness in advance. Know that while I am attempting to find myself and happiness that my most recent choices have not been the best. I strongly believe to each their own and that all deserve the same respect. If you don't have a friend come sit next to me. I also believe that I can relate to anyone about something, anything. I've yet to meet someone that I have not been able to relate to in some way. That's why I love people. Here's hoping that my future endeavors and choices lead me to where I want to go.

Interesting thoughts, weird notions and other things.

"...But One thing I would fight for to the end, both in word and deed if I were able-that if we believed that we must try to find out what is not known, we should be better and braver and less idle than if we believed that what we do not know it, is impossible to find out and that we need not even try."-Socrates. So as long as we live there is reason to search for truth or for that which is not known. In the book the great Dialogues of Plato, he talks of things being "remembered" and not "taught" as if all things were meant to be re discovered by man. That it must be that we existed with the Gods prior to coming here because of our state of being. What heavenly truth! It's been a couple weeks since I've written last, and it's been an interesting couple of weeks at that. Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrite. Like it seems that what I am doing is not leading me where I want to go. Where am I going? That I'm not to sure of. I've had different discussions on love with a few different people in the last couple of weeks. And currently one thing that I am guilty of is not taking my own advice. Hypocritical. However, I must say that which I believe to be said or enforced of others should be to me as well. At times I am cynical. But don't let me fool you. I'm a closet romantic. I've found myself saying that love isn't enough. But the more I talk to people about love vs. in love vs. a motherly love and so on, the more I think that's a ridiculous idea! Love is enough! Love is the answer to everything. I don't care what it is, it is love that is the answer. If love is not enough, then absolutely nothing on God's green planet is enough! It's unconditional, unbiased, eternal nature of this thing that we seek and long after. Passion is another story. But love is the answer. That's why we are here, that's why we can get to where we want to go and that's why we all want to have more of it. I had a question last week..no two weeks ago to a colleague. The question was a question that now I can't remember what I was seeking for. In fact, the answer seems to be so simple and apparent that I'm not sure why it had puzzled me so. Yet with this new information, I have not changed my stubborn ways. Is it wrong to expect the most out of yourself and not out of other people. I think that there is some amount of expectation that you can place on people, as long as you don't expect it to happen your way. And right now, would someone please cram those words down my throat. Wow. Never have I needed a sentence like that one. Here I am feeling very ambivalent. But what do you do, when you know what you see is what you get, or what you can expect and your not sure if you can see that into your future. You suck it up and become and adult and express your feelings that what you do. Just like you tell everyone else to do. It's great to keep the peace and not want to argue. And yes at times the attention is twitterpating. But when you know that deep in your heart that it won't work out, your being selfish. It's just like you said before. You are denying yourself and whomever the opportunity to ever be truly happy. Karma, karma, karma. Clearly one can not believe relationships or love to be a certain way and not abide by the rules that pertain to that way. Clearly there is a double standard. And who likes those? The saying to each their own may be true but be true to your own way. There are always moments of joys, fears, heartaches, tears, laughter, kindness and ups and downs. I believe more and more each day that things should be felt to such a degree, the little things. You know what though? As I have engaged in playful banter with a friend of mine on the topic of men vs. women, logic vs. emotion. I've decided that it's the perfect balance. Thus proving again that nature's math is always correct and that men and women are meant to be together. I imagine that the after life would be very similar to our life now, just different. Which seems to be an oxymoron I know but nonetheless true. I can't imagine an after life that would be so terribly different than life as we know it to be now. It just doesn't make sense. What does make sense is an after life that is so much better than the life we have now. I have plenty of questions. Remember we can only remember things that are true not be taught them. It is through a series of questions that we uncover or "find" the truth. Plato himself said so. I, for one, choose to believe him. My eyes are now becoming heavy and want to drift away into sleep. I don't think I should stop it from happening! There are so many questions to be had and answers to be heard. Just wait until tomorrow..there will be so many more.