There's got to be at least one person out there willing to do it..I'm sure there is. I don't care whatever the reason is, I just want a hard dose of reality..I think I'm getting it..or I should say I know what it is but for whatever reason won't accept it. That's what I need, an acceptance slap. I've realized a few things over the past couple days..as long as I am still learning, I'm still doing good I suppose. Each day I learn something new, or get a new twist on things--it's actually quite invigorating. So, why the reality check? Well, at this rate I figure I won't even see a 25 year anniversary, hell I'd say I'd be pretty lucky to make it 10 years..and not even on course for a solid 5, make that not even on course to marriage. I thought to myself yesterday that it has to be because I never wanted to get divorced--it's the universe's way of messing with me, yeah you know, Karma?--it's got to be that. I talked to a friend today at work who said, "Stacy, don't you agree?" I said, "With what?" He said, "Enjoying the morning, outside on the weekend, drinking your coffee, watching the birds, with the one you love by your side?" I could only agree with him. Then I had to proceed to tell him, we'll see if I ever get that chance. I also told him how I want to be with someone who in 25 years I can look at with the same eyes as I do now. That is if I were looking at someone like that now. I think that I've been so busy trying to sell myself that I have not really been true to myself. You see, I'm too busy convincing people to like me. Weird? Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lying to anyone or pretending to be someone I'm not, just too busy saying what I am instead of being what I am..does that make sense? I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be confident and what it means to be humble. I think that being humble does not mean you have to be meek and lowly and not know your accomplishments but on the contrary, I don't think that being confident means saying or expressing your confidence in a "loud" way. Do you follow still? I find that the older I get the more quiet confident I become. It's not about what I'm doing or saying but how I do it. I think it's funny, sometimes I catch myself reading my horoscope. Don't ask me why, but I do it on occasion. So, I read my horoscope yesterday that said something to the effect of being too emotional and scaring off a potential partner..and I just laughed. I thought to myself--well, I may be too much of one thing and not enough of another, but there's got to be someone out there who can accept that. If I scare you off now, consider that a good thing! I don't know why anyone would be something that there not or with hold something from someone. I am more of a say my feelings and peace rather than not. At least I've said it. I get that I'm wordy. It's fine, it's a part of me. It's also like empathy with me. Most 99.999999% of people I empathize with. I've even been accused of being able to "understand the spawn of Satan." I figure that's a good thing as well! It's nothing other than compassion in my opinion. I will say this though--Satan? Really? I'm sure he was full of pride like others and through whatever circumstances, maybe I can understand why. Who knows though, because well, I try to avoid any associations with the devil at all cost. Just saying. *sigh* Where's my reality check again? Oh yeah, that's right, I remember now...I don't want to sell myself to others any longer. I want to be myself towards others and who that is depends largely on the side of the bed I wake up on!! Just kidding (ish). Someone else today at work said I was a little bit of everything, I've also been called a Heinz 57. I can't help it, that is my personality..a little bit of everything. Really it makes me extremely adaptable to my surroundings. Sometimes, I question if being a little bit of everything is avoidance of being all of something, but when I really think about it....no, I don't think so. I have the constants in me and as I learn and get older, things change. That is the only constant, change. I wrote a poem the other day--it's cheese..but I like cheese. I eat cheese. I was going to post it by itself but then thought just now--what the heck just post it now, people know how I like to talk.
Love Me Anyway (I am)
Love me when I'm Right
Love me when I'm Wrong
Loved me like you've never loved at All
Love me when I'm Up
Love me when I'm Down
Love me like no one else is Around
Love me when I'm Strong
Love me when I'm Scared
Love me like you'll always be There
Love me when I'm Open
Love me when I'm Shy
Love me like tomorrow we are to Die
Love me when I'm Fast
Love me when I'm Slow
Love me like you will never let Go
Love me when I'm Honest
Love me when I'm Not
Love me like all is Forgotten
Love me when I'm Young
Love me when I'm Old
Love me like a love story Untold
I promise to love you whenever you get old,
I promise to hold you and never let go.
I promise to forgive as if tomorrow we are to die,
I promise to be strong when you can only try.
I promise to love you like no one else is around
I promise to give a love to you, never before found
because
Love is enduring the pain of disappointment
and Love is forgiveness
Love is giving when you can't
Love is understanding Why
Love is giving of Yourself
Love is the ultimate Sacrifice
Love is about gladly taking another's place
Love is about forever Grace
Love is Eternal
I believe that loving someone is a choice that we can make every day. I told my sister once that I'm no good when it comes to relationships because I love everyone. I love them before they even know it and before I even know them. I don't know how to not love someone. She only laughed at me. I did however realize that where I love everyone, I don't like everyone. I hope that's not wrong of me to say--but there are few, very few in the world, that have a personality that kind of irks me, but I understand them, and kind of like them, but not at the same time..I think I'm more concerned now about finding someone that I like a whole lot..I don't know if I'll ever know what it means to be in love. Is it being twitterpated? I've been twitterpated but that sometimes scares me--for my twitterpation is not always returned. I think that's the hard part, the love not returned, even in the nth degree. I've decided though again, there's no more trying and there's a lot more being....I only need one...
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