I'm starting this post with out a title..that's slightly unusual for me. Normally I have a title and prethought out points that I choose to share with others. But that is not the case today. I do however have thoughts swirling around in my head that I need to get out..a title may come by the end but who knows, maybe I'll leave it blank. Sometimes thinks are just blank anyway. You know when you run out of options, ideas, and feel stuck? Yep, that's what you feel sometimes, blank. The more that things unravel here for me the more I realize that I need a support system. I am an independent woman and feel as to always have been. People tell me that I have a strong type A personality. I always thought that was a bad thing, to be head strong, but I think that's only because of how type A's are viewed. I consider myself to be again one of the most laid back easy going people to talk to. I love people, all people. I don't judge others and I am not bias. If you walk by me and I make eye contact your likely to get a smile and a hi, no matter who you are or what you look like. I like to flirt with everyone. I give compliments to those who deserve them, male or female. Lastly, I'm so overly opinionated in all that I do and wear my heart on my sleeve. When I think type A, I think obnoxious..but I don't think I am. I'm starting to learn more and more that things don't have to be a certain way. For instance, I can be an independent strong woman and still need or want a husband or companion. Independence and a drive to succeed does not mean that I want to be single for the rest of my life nor does it make me less of who I am. I realize today that I need a support system. I think we all need a support system, an emotional one and a physical one. There are way too many times where I think we, as women and even men, try to hard to be or do it all. For me it's um well difficult, not that it's not difficult for others..it's just this. I've always been viewed as a "strong one" or "independent" or even the "rock" for someone else. I know that people look to me and I am okay with that. It's just sometimes being the "rock" or the "strong, understanding/forgiving" one is hard when you know you are that and you need your own rock. But I am the one saying and feeling like "You can't make anyone be the rock for you Stacy, you have to be your own rock to some degree." I think that's what my idea of love is. A rock. Love to me isn't about all the happy glorious frazzle times, even though those are added bonuses of love..love to me is getting through the worst of times and still at looking at the other person and being like, "It's okay, your only human, and I still love you." True love is action and true love is sacrifice. If we think about those who we love most. Who are the first people to come to mind? None other than our children. It is our children that we sacrifice the most for and no love comes close to that of the love of a parent because we don't sacrifice things as much for others. If we were to sacrifice more for others we would feel a greater love. That is how and why men love whom they serve. I don't know why it works out that way, I just know it does. When it comes to love I know that there are other factors involved. Take for instance..I have a friend, a man friend, that I absolutely love and adore. So much so that I don't think he understands it, hell I don't even understand it. But I love him so much and I feel a connection to him, however, I know that a relationship with this man is not possible. How can that be? Because we are not compatible at all in our personalities at all and the love I feel for him is not that of a romantic love, but a serious connection. I believe partly due to the fact that he was willing to show me kindness in his own way in my darkest hour of need. I don't want to be all sap all the time but it is partly who I am. There is actually a group of men that I am in love with. My ex co workers. The thing is they helped me get through some really difficult months after Phillip died. They are imperfect, crazy on the verge of insanity type that I respect and love more than what I thought was possible. I left that job and went to the next with that some feeling in my heart and carried it to the rest of my now coworkers. My heart can't help but love those around me. Sometimes, I think it's a defect. I don't know where this love comes from and why I feel the way I do about others, but I can't help it. I don't know how to not fall in love. I must say that makes it extremely hard for me in relationships sometimes..I don't know if I know how to not fall in love with someone and then we break up or whatever and I get hurt and more cynical and feel more alone than ever. I start to question if there is a man out there for me. All I need is one man. One man that understands that is my heart and will be my rock. I've tried to have that man a couple of times. My first marriage ended but gave me my whole life and my reason for being, my children. And well my 2nd attempt started to fall apart drastically and right in the middle of it all, he was taken from this earth. I used to think that being 21 and divorced with 2 children has a stigma attached..now I'm think oh great to be 25 divorced, remarried then widowed can't be any better. Maybe those are just things that I tell myself to get through the hard times. It's the stigma. They say that you have to be the person that you want to attract. Well I am that person and I am right now exactly who I want to be. I'm sure I'll change and evolve over time in my thoughts and attitudes just as wear happens or how streams of water mold rocks or the winds of time and change. I'm sure there is some eloquent way of putting it..I have the gift of gab but not the gift of eloquence! I can't do this on my own and I don't want to. I may be independent but that to me is irrelevant. I need support now more than ever. I am trying my best to make my life better for myself and my children...I think I know where to find my emotional support at the end of the day....now, where can I find my physical support?