My least favorite Question...

It's funny how this blog thing has turned into more of a journal..it's a way of my expressing my inner most thoughts..I guess that's what all blogs are. I've actually written quite a bit on paper recently as well. For whatever reason, one I have not been able to pinpoint yet, I've been more introverted lately. The funny thing is normally I'm introverted in the beginning and then turn extroverted when I warm up to my surroundings..but I've done the opposite. Maybe it's because I'm embarking on a new beginning or just that there's been too much going on lately. I don't know. At work, we have to ask our customer's what there expectations are. That is my least favorite question. Maybe it's because I don't really like expectations. I often question was is considered to be a "reasonable expectation" in a given situation when it comes to people. You see the thing is just because I think something should be a certain way does not mean that it is. I try to have expectations while understanding that people are their own people, make their own choices and have their own expectations. There have been points in my life where my expectations were low--too low--and I've said to myself well, I can never be disappointed only pleasantly surprised!! Yes, it was my cynicism. But I'm at the point of not wanting to keep my expectations too high. Where do you find the happy medium? That's why I don't like expectations. Maybe we should keep our expectations high and just expect occasional disappointment because that's a part of life then implement forgiveness as needed. That's probably the better route the more I think of it. I really like that actually. I just had a thought..that's got to be how God works. God does not lower his expectations of us just because we disappoint him and fail repeatedly, no, no, God implements forgiveness when merited and as needed. That's a happy thought actually. Okay, so now that I've thought myself through liking expectations, let's get to pressure. The last thing anybody wants is pressure. There are some of us who perform at peak levels when under pressure. But again most people don't like pressure. So, set an expectation within reason with minimal pressure? Hmm..that question merits more thought. I'm not entirely sure how that can be accomplished. I've tried to stay away from the "supposed to be" syndrome. You know how something is "supposed to be" or how someone is "supposed to act.." (this is not applicable to God of course..when you become the Almighty you can tell me how things are supposed to be..in the meantime..no you can't) I think this way because again how people are so different. Anyhow--I don't remember where I was going with that because I had to put the kids to bed. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Phillip's death. I plan on going to his grave; I wrote him a letter. I may send it up to him in a balloon-I know it's not necessary and it's not likely to get to him because of the state of being he is in, but still it's for the tradition, or thought, or something..I don't know though..I know he is still around, at least I believe he is..I don't know how else to describe the feelings I get. I try talking to him on a regular basis, just don't always know if it's him talking back. I feel like there is a fork in the road in front of me and I need to pick a direction. *sigh* I don't know where my enthusiasm has been lately..why???? Come on already, I want to feel motivated, and I'm just not feeling it--maybe I need to get to the gym, I haven't been lately. But I'm trying to cancel that membership because times are tough and I like exercise videos--I'd so buy some new ones right now if I could, the ones I have are a n c i e n t..and scratched. Maybe it's just fear of the unknown so I'm not so enthusiastic. I'm treading lightly, taking baby steps towards the right direction. I know the motivation has to come from within--it's the light bulb or the aha moment that I need. I'm okay with baby steps. What I really need is a goal and a plan to get to that goal. I had goals six months ago but they've been revamped because they maybe were not the best. Maybe I just need to do that, find what my goals are now--what they really are. Wait a second hold the phone, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my goals 6 months ago--the problem was with the plan! Duh..really how could I have missed that? Okay, it's now time to go revise the plan..

Somebody Please Slap Me Across the Face

There's got to be at least one person out there willing to do it..I'm sure there is. I don't care whatever the reason is, I just want a hard dose of reality..I think I'm getting it..or I should say I know what it is but for whatever reason won't accept it. That's what I need, an acceptance slap. I've realized a few things over the past couple days..as long as I am still learning, I'm still doing good I suppose. Each day I learn something new, or get a new twist on things--it's actually quite invigorating. So, why the reality check? Well, at this rate I figure I won't even see a 25 year anniversary, hell I'd say I'd be pretty lucky to make it 10 years..and not even on course for a solid 5, make that not even on course to marriage. I thought to myself yesterday that it has to be because I never wanted to get divorced--it's the universe's way of messing with me, yeah you know, Karma?--it's got to be that. I talked to a friend today at work who said, "Stacy, don't you agree?" I said, "With what?" He said, "Enjoying the morning, outside on the weekend, drinking your coffee, watching the birds, with the one you love by your side?" I could only agree with him. Then I had to proceed to tell him, we'll see if I ever get that chance. I also told him how I want to be with someone who in 25 years I can look at with the same eyes as I do now. That is if I were looking at someone like that now. I think that I've been so busy trying to sell myself that I have not really been true to myself. You see, I'm too busy convincing people to like me. Weird? Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lying to anyone or pretending to be someone I'm not, just too busy saying what I am instead of being what I am..does that make sense? I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be confident and what it means to be humble. I think that being humble does not mean you have to be meek and lowly and not know your accomplishments but on the contrary, I don't think that being confident means saying or expressing your confidence in a "loud" way. Do you follow still? I find that the older I get the more quiet confident I become. It's not about what I'm doing or saying but how I do it. I think it's funny, sometimes I catch myself reading my horoscope. Don't ask me why, but I do it on occasion. So, I read my horoscope yesterday that said something to the effect of being too emotional and scaring off a potential partner..and I just laughed. I thought to myself--well, I may be too much of one thing and not enough of another, but there's got to be someone out there who can accept that. If I scare you off now, consider that a good thing! I don't know why anyone would be something that there not or with hold something from someone. I am more of a say my feelings and peace rather than not. At least I've said it. I get that I'm wordy. It's fine, it's a part of me. It's also like empathy with me. Most 99.999999% of people I empathize with. I've even been accused of being able to "understand the spawn of Satan." I figure that's a good thing as well! It's nothing other than compassion in my opinion. I will say this though--Satan? Really? I'm sure he was full of pride like others and through whatever circumstances, maybe I can understand why. Who knows though, because well, I try to avoid any associations with the devil at all cost. Just saying. *sigh* Where's my reality check again? Oh yeah, that's right, I remember now...I don't want to sell myself to others any longer. I want to be myself towards others and who that is depends largely on the side of the bed I wake up on!! Just kidding (ish). Someone else today at work said I was a little bit of everything, I've also been called a Heinz 57. I can't help it, that is my personality..a little bit of everything. Really it makes me extremely adaptable to my surroundings. Sometimes, I question if being a little bit of everything is avoidance of being all of something, but when I really think about it....no, I don't think so. I have the constants in me and as I learn and get older, things change. That is the only constant, change. I wrote a poem the other day--it's cheese..but I like cheese. I eat cheese. I was going to post it by itself but then thought just now--what the heck just post it now, people know how I like to talk.

Love Me Anyway (I am)

Love me when I'm Right

Love me when I'm Wrong

Loved me like you've never loved at All

Love me when I'm Up

Love me when I'm Down

Love me like no one else is Around

Love me when I'm Strong

Love me when I'm Scared

Love me like you'll always be There

Love me when I'm Open

Love me when I'm Shy

Love me like tomorrow we are to Die

Love me when I'm Fast

Love me when I'm Slow

Love me like you will never let Go

Love me when I'm Honest

Love me when I'm Not

Love me like all is Forgotten

Love me when I'm Young

Love me when I'm Old

Love me like a love story Untold

I promise to love you whenever you get old,

I promise to hold you and never let go.

I promise to forgive as if tomorrow we are to die,

I promise to be strong when you can only try.

I promise to love you like no one else is around

I promise to give a love to you, never before found

because

Love is enduring the pain of disappointment

and Love is forgiveness

Love is giving when you can't

Love is understanding Why

Love is giving of Yourself

Love is the ultimate Sacrifice

Love is about gladly taking another's place

Love is about forever Grace

Love is Eternal

I believe that loving someone is a choice that we can make every day. I told my sister once that I'm no good when it comes to relationships because I love everyone. I love them before they even know it and before I even know them. I don't know how to not love someone. She only laughed at me. I did however realize that where I love everyone, I don't like everyone. I hope that's not wrong of me to say--but there are few, very few in the world, that have a personality that kind of irks me, but I understand them, and kind of like them, but not at the same time..I think I'm more concerned now about finding someone that I like a whole lot..I don't know if I'll ever know what it means to be in love. Is it being twitterpated? I've been twitterpated but that sometimes scares me--for my twitterpation is not always returned. I think that's the hard part, the love not returned, even in the nth degree. I've decided though again, there's no more trying and there's a lot more being....I only need one...