Summer + Love

The first thought that is coming to my mind is that of my dear sister Rachel.."It is funny how life gets in the way of life." I can't even think of the last time I wrote. This is my normal though. I get into something for a little while, something happens, something has to take the back burner. Then I find myself struggling to recall all the recent events in order to put them on paper. I want this for me. I want this for my children. I think about making a mark in history. I realized in the past two months or so that I don't know enough of my family history. I can't recall many stories of my grand parents and find myself yearning for their wisdom and experience. I wonder the beautiful stories that they have that I can pass on to my children. This is how I will always be remembered by my children. I had someone compliment me the other day stating that I write how I speak. My response to that is that I am glad that my voice can be heard when it's read! I've got an opportunity knocking on my door and I've opened it up, however, I have not let the opportunity start yet. You see the truth is right now I'm struggling. Things are a bit tight in the finance department and this opportunity requires a minimal amount of money. I have weighed the pros and cons and I want to take the chance. I just have to be patient. Another co worker of mine the other day said to me, "Stacy, your patient, aren't you?" To which I replied, "Only with people." Make that other people. When I want something, I want it normally right then and there or I don't stop wanting it. Which brings me to another question asked of me. Another friend of mine asked me if I could have 3 wishes, what would they be? I really could not answer him. I have been asked that question time and time again through out my childhood and life. But the only thing that I was able to respond was that there is nothing that I want that I don't feel like I can attain. Therefore, I have no need to wish for something, only a need to write down my goals and what I want and embark on the journey to get it. I have done that thus far in my life and I will continue to do so. I think my mom said "try, try again." I'm sure someone else did too but it only matters from my mother. I try and try and try again until I ultimately get what I want. Sometimes it seems too good to be true. But it really is amazing what you can accomplish when you set a goal and start working on it. There have been times that I've had no idea how to even start the process. I watch for cues. I am an observer. I watch and listen to people and everything around me as a way to manifest to me what I need to do. I pay attention to how I feel. I get an idea and then I go with it.
I am missing my children here like crazy. It is hard to be separated from my children by more than 1200 miles and to not have them give me their unconditional love. I just thought to myself, that's why we like to keep our children around, because they love us anyway! Too funny. Anyhow. I have been taking the time to really discover my likes and dislikes. Where I am a mother, I am also Stacy. I've started some new hobbies. This has not come easy to me at all. In fact, a month ago, I was experiencing anxiety reminiscent of that after my daughter was born. I don't think I've been very public about my post par tum depression. It was always something that scared me. Now being a mom of 2 kids, it's still something that I have to deal with to some degree. I know this may sound odd but this is what happened...you see, I think my fear has always been that the anxiety that I feel is somehow a permanent feeling or condition, something that would not go away and I did not, do not, like that feeling. It wasn't until it dawned on me that it is only a feeling. Like all my other feelings that I've had, they have not lasted. There have been times when I've been happy, sad, angry or anxious and it's gone away or changed. I realized that it is only something that I am experiencing at that point and time and not a permanent condition. It is something that I can change, I just have to find a way to cope. I find myself saying to myself and others that is all you can do. Find a way to cope. But you have to cope in a way that is not detrimental to your well being or to that of your family. I find it selfish to put yourself in positions to risk your life, especially if you have children. Drinking and driving, recreational drugs, carelessness..these are habits that ultimately come at a price. We get away with it for so long until it eventually catches up with us. Are those things worth the possible price that can be paid? Your life? Your children's? How do you evaluate the risk? There is so much selfishness in the world. I think it is funny because it is all in the name of self discovery. Where I believe that one must find who they are and learn to love themselves, it does not give them permission to behave in such a way of carelessness or selfishness. I am in a relationship with someone that has been by far the most interesting one I've ever had. He makes me want to be a better person. He brings out a side of me that gives me a desire to push forward and to succeed. I like who I am with him. The moment that I realized that I can trust again despite my heartaches and that I trust him was a moment of bliss. I thought that I could have lost my desire to love. As it turns out, I have not lost it! I still have plenty to give. I found myself watching some movies on Lifetime today and I have been thinking about love. Love is like faith. "Faith is never true faith until it is tried." (Thanks Lifetime) I feel the same about love. When you fall in love with someone and you commit to them in essence you are saying, "I love you so much that no matter what happens I will stand by your side." I wonder if people just say that to say it or if they actually mean it. It's like "I love you until you tick me off so bad to the point that I don't think your good for me anymore because really when I said I love you, what I meant was that I love you until it no longer benefits me." Is that really love? Another friend and boss of mine put something into words that I never could before.."People are always going to disappoint us." It will happen at one point or another, we will be let down or disappointed by the ones we love. But it's like another wise sister of mine who said, " Remember marriage is about compatibility, but most importantly I think, about forgiveness. You have to be able to forgive each other (not for your pasts) for each day when you fail and when it effects the progression of your family unit, or or relationship, or your individual self, and to be able to look each other in the eyes again without regret." And I will add that you will continue to love them anyway. True love doesn't exist in relationships when it's all kisses and roses, it's when we're upset or disappointed and where we realize that it is only a moment of time. At the end it's about putting the needs of others before our own. Again not to sacrifice or to lose ourselves, but something we choose to do out of love. It is something to be learned. My current suitor has been experiencing some difficulties in his life and we've slowed down our relationship. He said to me he knows that it is not fair to me. The only thing that I could think of is, if I care for you as I do then I will allow you whatever time you need. I can not honestly say I care for you or that I'm learning how to love again because of you and the moment I don't get my way, your out of here. That to me is unfathomable. What are we willing to do for others? What are we willing to sacrifice? It doesn't matter about what other people think it should be, it's about what it should be for you. All things have to be taken into consideration. What matters at the end of our day is our journey individually and collectively. I pray to one day meet God face to face with no regret. My relationship with God is that, mine. The same is true for the relationship with myself and my family members. I wonder what it's going to take. I imagined for a moment what I think heaven will be like. It put chills down my spine. It did so because if it's something more that I can imagine, goodness gracious, I am one heck of a dreamer!