Observations...Be forewarned..This is lengthy

I've had quit some time to myself the past couple weeks. So much time in fact that I feel it's been too much time. It's been a rough couple of weeks to be honest. But here I am alone again and I've made some interesting observations about myself the past couple of weeks. It all started over memorial day weekend, when I drove Ethan and Haley down to Texas so they can spend some time with their dad. On the way down, I had some type of nervous break down. All I can say is thank heavens for my friend who drove down with me and thank heavens that the kids slept most of the trip down! I started to feel anxious all over again, to the extent that I had before. For those of you who suffer from anxiety to any degree, I completely empathize. It is not easy. Again thank heavens for my new friend who I probably should have scared off to some degree. Thank you Crystal. Anyhow, so that moment seemed to trigger multiple recurrences of anxiety and mild panic attacks. I realized that memorial day weekend was the anniversary weekend that started the events to lead to mine and Phillip's separation that ultimately ended up with the accident. All I could do was cry and relive every moment from that moment on. I had not felt anxiety like that for some time and it was near to unbearable. I did not know how to deal with it, sometimes I still don't. I did not realize that Phillip's death had the impact that it did on my children until that trip. When my kids got in the car with their Grandfather who would be taking them on to see their father, my sweet little boy's eyes swelled up with tears and he looked at me and said, "Mommy, don't die." I can't seem to get that image out of my head. You see the last time my kids went to Texas or before they left rather, they said good bye to Phillip, or rather again Phillip said good bye to them. I remember being somewhat bothered by the way he said bye to my children like he would never see them again. Subsequently, they never saw him again. Phillip died in the car accident while they were away. I never told them when it happened. I did not tell them until they came home. I thought they were too young to really understand what happened. That was until that moment. My little angel daughter soon followed with the tears. That moment I burst into tears and could only hug and kiss my children who were so obviously torn. They were so excited to go see their father and yet so afraid of me dying like their step father. I don't recall many other moments of feeling so helpless. My kids are still in Texas and are distracted with all the current events that I can only hope they are feeling better. Then one of my wise sister's stated, "Stacy, maybe they need this for their own well being. They need to go away and come back and realize that Phillip's death was an accident." That to some degree made me feel better. I am dating another man and my children know him. My children miss him and want to talk to him. I think I prayed to God that I also need him to stick around for a bit for the same reason. I don't think I really told him that, but I will...soon. I've had more moments of anxiety with my kids being gone and while my love interest was on vacation. I had so much alone time and little communication with both. I did everything I could think of to keep myself busy. While that lasted a grand total of a few hours during the entire time period, I was paying attention to everything that was going on. You see, I've done my best, well mediocre best, to exercise and eat well. I noticed a change in my habits and cravings during those moments and now. You see since the other day and my more recent "episode" the feelings I was experiencing are no longer present. At least not in the form of feeling but I'm thinking more in the form of food. I can't explain the burden that was lifted with my boyfriend's safe return home. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. He's back and I can't be more excited to see him. I haven't seen him yet and he's been back since yesterday, but I can't wait to embrace him. He is such a good man. I don't even think he realizes it. I talked to Phillip the other day about him. This is what I said..I said,"Phillip, if you can hear me and of course whenever you have time, will you let me know if I can move on, a part of me does not want to move on for fear of forgetting you and I don't know if I am ready to let go, but again maybe you can tell me in a dream..but no rush." Well, he must have heard me instantly because I felt a swelling in my heart that made me think, ".....Wait, what....is that you? I haven't felt something like that since before we got married..is that really you?..." All I heard was, "Yes." I said, "...Are you trying to tell me it's okay to move on, because when I said let me know, you really don't have to right now, I was thinking later on, you know when I'm "ready" to let go and after I can hold on a little longer (in implied guilt)." All I could hear again was, "Yes, let go" I said, "I love you, I don't want to let go." He said, "I love you too, let go." At that moment I don't think I could hold back tears for much longer and I started to feel more anxiety. That previous Saturday, I went to the cemetery, to his grave and sat there and told him how much I missed him and loved him while I talked to my sister on the phone. The next Sunday I went by the cemetery again, and by my old house and went to visit my old ward. I cried nearly all day long. I was reliving that moment and all the memories. I walked into my old church ward relief society and saw the women who knew me before and embraced them with tears as they did the same. We cried together. I expressed my feelings and did not try to fight my tears. I think I would have lingered on in those moments and would have let myself fall into some sort of depression. I tried so hard to fight those feelings. I talked to anyone and everyone that I could to prevent that from happening. That next Monday is when I could hear Phillip's words. I went to visit an old neighbor and was told in a blessing that Phillip has reached a full understanding and wants me to be happy. A week prior to this and another instance of anxiety occurred when I for a moment envisioned my future and did not like what I could foresee. I know am again at a cross roads. I am at a moment in time where some things mean more to me than others and I am at a point in my life that will greatly impact the next at least 5 years of my life easy. I haven't quite made up my mind yet. All I can say is this, there were moments that I did not know if I could get through them. Any person who suffers from anxiety I think can empathize. But it's been a few days now and I am feeling so much better. I can't even put into words how much better I feel. But I am paying attention to my body and what it has been craving. I believe definitely in a direct correlation between food cravings, feelings and emotions and overall health. All I can say is I need to make up my mind here and I need to be happy again. I am working on it. It is definitely a journey. I've been so caught up in my emotions that I have missed some of the things that I normally can appreciate. The little things. Here I go again wanting to over think things. I don't want to do that any longer. I realized that the things that happen really are such a small moment in time at the end of the day and too much philosophical thinking can be depressing. I don't want to do too much more of that. I normally would re read my blog or post before I post it. I don't even think that I want to do that. Right now what I want to do is get dressed up, do my hair, and head out on the town. Who cares that I only need to go grocery shopping!