Choices

I know what your thinking. Your thinking that this is unlike my most recent pattern.
I like to keep things interesting...and keep people guessing! Why? Some may say because I don't want anyone to know really who I am, while others may say because variety is the spice of life. Both? That brings me to a theory. I don't always believe in a right and wrong, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I think there is right and right, just different. For instance how the hubby does laundry (wishful thinking?) vs. how the wifey does laundry, or the dishes, or mows the grass, or make the toilet paper go over or under. I mean really at the end of the day does any of that matter. I never read the book but I know it exist somewhere, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Yep, that's all small stuff to me and not right or wrong just different. Anyhow, I will cary on now. Choices. We all have choices. I used to think that I had this clear idea or picture of what I thought my future was going to be for me and my children. I had my own idea and then it's like my sister says, it's funny how life gets in the way of life. Oh the irony. Here I am reflecting on all the choices that I've made that have led me right to where I am now. It's time for me to make another difficult choice. I have this thing where I love people. Sometimes people annoy me but for the most part I think people are pretty cool. If I could have one wish it would not be world peace, all the riches in the world or never ending wishes, no, it would be that all people find their purpose and happiness in their life. That would be my one wish. Sometimes we are faced with choices that we don't want to make and we want someone to make them for us. This however is not the way it is supposed to be. There are things that we don't want to let go of and we let them weigh us down. I think the thing I don't understand is how we can go from one extreme to the other. And of course by we, I clearly mean me. If something doesn't work out for us in the way we think we should or because we struggle with a particular weakness, we think that we must not try at all. This would be opposite of what Socrates said. "......That we need not even try...." to find out that which we do not know if we truly believe that it can not be known. In attempt to find self love and acceptance and to equally except others for who they are, one must not go from one extreme to the next to express "individuality." But one does need to make choices good and bad to find truth in who they are. I think that I've missed the mark a couple of times. I only pray that now I will be braver and more courageous in the choices that I make. That now everything I do or say will lead me to where I want to go. I think we just have to find where we want to go in life. I only pray to be a positive influence for all those in whom I meet through out my life. I want to be a force for good. I know that I make mistakes and so my only other prayer is that while wanting to be a force for good, that may mistakes don't lead away the hearts of those around me. There are choices that I've made most recently and I'm sure more that I'll make in the future that will convey the opposite of my previous prayer. For that, I must ask for your forgiveness in advance. Know that while I am attempting to find myself and happiness that my most recent choices have not been the best. I strongly believe to each their own and that all deserve the same respect. If you don't have a friend come sit next to me. I also believe that I can relate to anyone about something, anything. I've yet to meet someone that I have not been able to relate to in some way. That's why I love people. Here's hoping that my future endeavors and choices lead me to where I want to go.

Interesting thoughts, weird notions and other things.

"...But One thing I would fight for to the end, both in word and deed if I were able-that if we believed that we must try to find out what is not known, we should be better and braver and less idle than if we believed that what we do not know it, is impossible to find out and that we need not even try."-Socrates. So as long as we live there is reason to search for truth or for that which is not known. In the book the great Dialogues of Plato, he talks of things being "remembered" and not "taught" as if all things were meant to be re discovered by man. That it must be that we existed with the Gods prior to coming here because of our state of being. What heavenly truth! It's been a couple weeks since I've written last, and it's been an interesting couple of weeks at that. Sometimes, I feel like such a hypocrite. Like it seems that what I am doing is not leading me where I want to go. Where am I going? That I'm not to sure of. I've had different discussions on love with a few different people in the last couple of weeks. And currently one thing that I am guilty of is not taking my own advice. Hypocritical. However, I must say that which I believe to be said or enforced of others should be to me as well. At times I am cynical. But don't let me fool you. I'm a closet romantic. I've found myself saying that love isn't enough. But the more I talk to people about love vs. in love vs. a motherly love and so on, the more I think that's a ridiculous idea! Love is enough! Love is the answer to everything. I don't care what it is, it is love that is the answer. If love is not enough, then absolutely nothing on God's green planet is enough! It's unconditional, unbiased, eternal nature of this thing that we seek and long after. Passion is another story. But love is the answer. That's why we are here, that's why we can get to where we want to go and that's why we all want to have more of it. I had a question last week..no two weeks ago to a colleague. The question was a question that now I can't remember what I was seeking for. In fact, the answer seems to be so simple and apparent that I'm not sure why it had puzzled me so. Yet with this new information, I have not changed my stubborn ways. Is it wrong to expect the most out of yourself and not out of other people. I think that there is some amount of expectation that you can place on people, as long as you don't expect it to happen your way. And right now, would someone please cram those words down my throat. Wow. Never have I needed a sentence like that one. Here I am feeling very ambivalent. But what do you do, when you know what you see is what you get, or what you can expect and your not sure if you can see that into your future. You suck it up and become and adult and express your feelings that what you do. Just like you tell everyone else to do. It's great to keep the peace and not want to argue. And yes at times the attention is twitterpating. But when you know that deep in your heart that it won't work out, your being selfish. It's just like you said before. You are denying yourself and whomever the opportunity to ever be truly happy. Karma, karma, karma. Clearly one can not believe relationships or love to be a certain way and not abide by the rules that pertain to that way. Clearly there is a double standard. And who likes those? The saying to each their own may be true but be true to your own way. There are always moments of joys, fears, heartaches, tears, laughter, kindness and ups and downs. I believe more and more each day that things should be felt to such a degree, the little things. You know what though? As I have engaged in playful banter with a friend of mine on the topic of men vs. women, logic vs. emotion. I've decided that it's the perfect balance. Thus proving again that nature's math is always correct and that men and women are meant to be together. I imagine that the after life would be very similar to our life now, just different. Which seems to be an oxymoron I know but nonetheless true. I can't imagine an after life that would be so terribly different than life as we know it to be now. It just doesn't make sense. What does make sense is an after life that is so much better than the life we have now. I have plenty of questions. Remember we can only remember things that are true not be taught them. It is through a series of questions that we uncover or "find" the truth. Plato himself said so. I, for one, choose to believe him. My eyes are now becoming heavy and want to drift away into sleep. I don't think I should stop it from happening! There are so many questions to be had and answers to be heard. Just wait until tomorrow..there will be so many more.

The time traveling husband?

The kids are playing in the bathtub, all three of them. My cat is on my lap and I am listening to the opening music of the movie "The Time Traveler's Wife." I feel as if right now my heart is traveling and transcending all time. I'm moving in and out of feeling. My kids having swim time in the bath tub because it's a rainy day and hearing their laughter and their tears from soap in their eyes, and all I can do is smile and write. I can only seam to think of my husband. I can imagine him here with us right now. I wonder where he is. I imagine that he can move in and out of time. I yearn for the feelings of my past and long for a future that I'll never know. In the movie I was just watching, the wife knows when the husband is going to die. I don't think I could know the exact moment that my husband would be taken from me. I would rather not know. But at the same time I'd want my last moments to be that of something marvelous, which only comes from knowing the exact moment. I can see why we may know that our time will be short but not knowing exactly when or how. It's funny what things do to people and what inspires them. My heart aches for all those around me who are suffering in their family and other personal relationships. I was in training last night and we were having some sort of round table therapy session, however, I was just listening. I was listening to my fellow co workers and friends talk about some of their personal issues and I could feel their heart beat and I could see their pain. I could only imagine hugging them and kissing them and holding them and crying with them. While I refrained from all of the above I did feel an immense amount of compassion and love for that of my fellow man. I see and hear all the stories of everyone around me. And then
I think that I am in the wrong business. If only I could make a living writing. That would be writing but without any kind of credentials or background. My only qualification (which I think is the best one of all) is that I am a normal person. Full of opinions and biased like everyone else. But a loving compassionate normal person full of loving opinions and a compassionate bias. Oh there is such a thing, because that's me. I think its funny how I write. I write like the whole world is reading my words. In a way they are and the universe is receiving them. But right now I can imagine everyone reading what I have to say. I imagine that it almost be something that everyone has to do. One of those they aren't sure why they do it, they just do. I've always written that way. I've never really ever wanted to hide anything from anyone. If you could learn from me and my mistakes and we could connect in some way, then I've done something good. Anyhow, I've digressed. Isn't that what the eternal nature of life? The transcendence of time? That time as we know it does not exist and as such the relationships that we are able to carry and maintain beyond the current realm of our existence?
My music is gone now. So the initial feeling that I had as I began this blog has begun to dwindle to a less emotional more logical thought process. Can you see where the transition took place? I kind of think its funny. Sometimes when I'm feeling something and I get carried away in the daydream, I wish that I could somehow magically transpose all of my thoughts immediately to paper before I forget them. Especially those things that I wish to remember for a long time to come. Then I wonder if I'll ever have another moment like that. A moment where I can feel so much and understand so much more and so much less at the same time. That is true enlightenment. I have a great day planned for today. Time to get back to the three people who mean the world to me. They are in the other room. Swim time is now over and they are coloring the most beautiful pictures. They are a beautiful picture.

Sunday Feelings

It's been just over a week since my last update. I have thoughts swirling around like crazy in my head. It is absolutely the most beautiful day outside. The kind of weather that one desperately awaits. It's so beautiful that all I want to do is stay outside all day long..I've already been out there once..but looking out my window just doesn't seem to fill the need or longing for the outdoors. It is my connection with God. Is it just me or is there philosophy in everything? I can say something to someone, anyone, about something seemingly insignificant and be moved and have a new level of understanding. So the other day I was thinking about my life in its current state. Everything from work, school, play and my "love life." I've also been is some pretty interesting conversations with those of the opposite sex about relationships. All in the past couple of months I've encountered the following "types" of men: the forever cynical single man who thinks that men and women are to be together for brief "encounters" and that's where it ends, (I know why he thinks that) and there has been the habitual unhealthy relationships man, you know the one searching for the "it factor" and is forever searching for that "flame" that is "innate" in us as human beings, so he's not forever single just forever "the grass is greener on the other side." This guy I wouldn't necessarily say however has an unhealthy relationship with others, because he can and does communicate with others, he does however have an unhealthy relationship with himself. Different people bring out different sides of us and then there is the person who we are when we are all by lonesome. That brings me to my next type. The forever laid back guy. (Currently my favorite.) He's the one that is so laid back and understanding that it almost could come off as a lack of caring. Almost. It's the everyone lives there own life in their own way and come together at moments in time but his social calendar is so full of things that while you will partake you will not be put first kind of sense so have no expectation of it. (This type is the easiest to get a long with in my personal opinion.) The key to happiness? Keep expectations low so you never can be disappointed only pleasantly surprised. Sad I know, but a good fall back attitude sometimes! Then there is the overly obsessive guy. The one who seems to not know when enough is enough. Please stop calling/texting/writing/ and sometimes breathing because you are so incredibly annoying type of guy. The one that thinks that your world should somehow revolve around his. The excessive non stop clinginess that one would almost say is of the female species. But please don't forget the one that only comes around every 2-3 months (also one of my favorites though..so easy to deal with) kind of guy. But the problem with this guy is that he expects everything to be the same and/or different (whichever needs to apply) 2-3 months later when you finally are able to catch up. Oh yes there are so many types of men out there. Good ones, bad ones, skinny ones, phat ones, lonely ones, clingy ones, understanding ones and then the not so understanding ones. I mean for every type of female there is a type of male. Isn't life fantastically "balanced." I posted on Facebook once the following words more or less that isn't it amazing that people will form an opinion about another regardless of what one says or does, even though inaccurate? Amazing not in the awe inspiring kind of way of course more in the audacious kind of way. My whole point was be who you want to be. The person that you are most happy with. Because no matter what people will think whatever they want. (Myself included) I heard the most awesome thing from an old coworker of mine. She said it is none of your business what other people think about you. That statement could not be any more true. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Whether or not its right! That is funny though because I think everybody is right in a manner of speaking. Different doesn't mean wrong it means different. There is a gauge of right and wrong but in the most generic sense there is no such thing as right or wrong. Like how one does cleans/cooks/eats/sleeps kind of thing? Do you understand what I'm getting at? I hope so. Because the more I write the more that does not seem to be the point of today's works. Which thus brings me to the question, what is today's point? I promise that I started with one. It's more about understanding people to gain a better understanding of ourselves. To live and let live as they say. I have decided that we all want the same thing and could be put like this. Some movie has some quote of something about wanting someone to be a witness to our lives. Yes, yes, that's the one. I would say to be there for us in all times, all places, things, endeavors, trials, journeys, ups, downs, in betweens, sideways, backways and forward ways. Sound familiar to some? Hopefully so. That is what we all want. Funny how everything from the basic structure of the atom and its relationship to the elements and the nature of human beings and those of the Gods all come down to the same concept. They all need a witness in order to be and there is a force that is not seen that holds it together. Mind boggling? Good. If you don't see it then that's okay but I would ask one to think about life in its most basic form of existence. Yes even that of subatomic particles. One could not exist without something else witnessing it. I think I understand more of the whole "if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound" idea. Isn't life fantastically simplistic and beautiful? I concur. I'm not sure where I am going or whats in store but my eternal nature I can not deny. The relationships that exist cant be negated. The power that surrounds us is innate. With all these powers and energy forces and things acting on us every day, isn't it not also amazing that we still have the power to make choices. I tried explaining to someone who was in search for passion in his relationship that passion is a choice just like everything else. No one is born passionate and no two people can have innate passion that is not co created between the two of them. He of course disagreed with me. He is entitled to his opinion as I am to mine. My only hope would be that he would find happiness, joy and passion in his life that he so fervently seeks from outside sources as opposed from within. I think that the idea is for everyone to find that sense within. At least I sure hope that is the case. On that note, it surely is quite perfect outside.

Education?

Today I am faced with a topic that has plagued my mind for years now. The topic of continuing education. Ever since I was a wee baby child, I've dreamt of doing everything under the sun as a possible career. I think that comes from my dreamer side and and also the fact that I can relate to almost anything and enjoy it to some degree. Let me provide you with some examples. I've wanted to be a doctor, lawyer (district attorney), school teacher, cosmetologist, chemist, therapist, personal trainer, nutritionist, writer, massage therapist, life coach, cook/chef with my own restaurant, public relations, journalist, finance specialist and a clothes designer. Would you like to know a secret? I've explored all of these areas to some degree or another and they all still interest me. Your telling me I have to pick one? I could be a jack of all trades and well a master of all trades too couldn't I? Always exploring, learning, growing, expanding..that's my idea of life! However, that still could be the dreamer in me. Except I do plan on living for a really long time. Which only helps me with my endeavor to succeed. I suppose I am slowly running out of time. Ever so slowly. I'm at the point to where I need to pick a career path to provide some sort of stability for my children. I've done nothing but sales. And don't get me wrong sales are sales but sales? I thought I could use my foreign language speaking abilities in order to do something for humanity--and I still can but the older I get the more I think that I speak another language in order to fully understand people and to have compassion on others. Which brings me back to another dream of learning another foreign language or becoming a linguist. Which also leads me to remember my dreams of becoming law enforcement, CIA, FBI, border patrol, detective, or possibly the military. I've even wanted to work for the Department of Homeland Security. So, here I am, wanting to go back to school again and not sure of what I want to do. *Sigh* Yep. That is the great question as of late. I need a stroke of genius or inspiration right about now. Mountains anyone?

Strange things that provoke emotional responses

"If you were half the man your father is....your father was captain of the Starship for 12 minutes, he saved 800 lives including your mothers and yours, I dare you to do better..."
Do you know what that quote is from? Yep, you guessed it, Star Trek. Now, you may be asking yourself how this line amongst others has moved me to tears. Well, I rented Star Trek because I work with a bunch of what some would call "geeks." I mean you gotta love geeks, but we can get extra credit if we watch the movie, so I figure what the heck, I'll watch it. Good old Captain Kirk who was left in charge of the Starship when the Ramulens attacked the Starship and the first captain was killed. So Captain Kirk who was captain for 12 minutes and in order to defeat the Ramulen attack could not put the ship in auto pilot and had to manually fly the ship into the opponents..okay so assuming that you've seen the movie I'll get on with it. You see Captain Kirks wife was in labor when this was happening and spent the last few moments of his life talking to his wife while saving her, his baby and the rest of the crew. Ethan then asked me, "Mommy, why did he have to die?" And I proceeded to tell him that sometimes one person has to die in order to save the rest. Immediately after telling him this my thoughts turned to that of Jesus Christ and his life and mission. As some of you may know and others not, I've been on this quest of sorts in order to find some peace in my life. And of course after this thought, I thought of Phillip. How I miss him. How I wish to hold him again. How I don't deserve him. How he had to die. I think I know now that he had to die in order to save me and many more members of his family. I understand this now. I wish to hold my husband again, and hug him, and kiss him. I know that I don't deserve him but have to send out to the universe how I love him. I have made my own mistakes and traveled my own path, but the one thing that is the same is the love I feel. And through my tears of sorrow and heartache, I understand the heartache of some of those who are close to me and who are suffering from their own personal issues. The feelings of guilt, sadness, depression, wanting peace, wanting to be touched, held and loved. How my heart feels for yours. I wish you ever happiness and peace and joy. I know that you have to go through your own journey to find yourself, but I need you to know that I understand how you feel. Though we may not speak often or know each other better, I sincerely feel for you. I let myself cry today. Phillip, if your reading, I know that our time was short together. And though I'm not fully aware of the extent of your personal feelings at the time you left this world, I know that you are still very much alive. I love you and I miss you terribly. Sometimes I can feel you, I can feel your touch, your kiss, and I can see you..my only prayer is that you had some sort of peace when you died and that even though we were not in the best of times, know that I did love, no do love you. I can't express in words what I feel and only help that you are allowed to feel them with me. I have some people that were very close to me up there with you, please tell them I said hi. I never met my grandfather on my dad's side before he died but have always felt some sort of connection with him. I've never expressed that before to anyone. I can't explain it but will you introduce yourself to him and talk to him for me? I anxiously await the day to be able to see you and him face to face as well as other members of my family and friends. I know that the day will come...may God be with you until we see each other again.

Feel Like Crying

Yesterday all I could do is cry in the latter part of the day. Sometimes that's all you can offer to someone is a lending ear and cry with them. That's what I did. I must say for the first time in my entire life, I pictured my mom as a young woman. Not that she's old, I could see in my minds thought the inner child I suppose of my mother. But that was just the beginning. I could put myself in the shoes of many and began to see all that are near and dear to me in the same light. Once my thoughts turned to all of the things that I know to be going on with those I love, all I could do is cry more. My philosophy of life differs from that of most, and I am okay with that. I did, however, grasp a new concept. The only thing I can think to do is to share it in the form of poetry. If you know how my brain works, then you'd know that if you are reading this I would expect their to be a certain ambiance or mood while one would read the words I write. Preferably in the environment of music. That is because it will instill the words into your mind and affect your feelings and emphasize what one says, which makes music the unspoken power. So, my choice for this would be Il Divo or some other form of classical or opera music..but Il Divo "La Fuerza Mayor" would be the one that I'd listen to. *sigh* Yes, that was another one of my tangents. Tomorrow's tangent or one at a later date would be, communicating with friends/family/neighbors/lovers in a way that is not condescending, overbearing or left with one feeling "inferior" to whom they are speaking. That I believe occurs far to often. Makes it difficult to have conversations with people when one feels that way. They don't want to open up...oh wait..that's tomorrows tangent again. I knew that. Ahem, okay, so here is my poem. Please first create your mood or ambiance as you read and look deep inside yourself: I am you and you are me

I am you and you are me.
A man asks, how can that be?
The air I breathe, you breathe
My heart beats also within thee.
How?
Remember when you cry, I cry,
When you laugh, I laugh,
When your hurt, I hurt,
When I love you and you love me,
You are in me and I am in thee.
Because our hearts let this be.
"I am in the Father and the Father is in me"
Strong words that one can't understand,
That it is love that transcends all of man.
From the beginning of time and through eternity,
The power of love is how life came to be.
I am in you and you are in me.
You make a choice and a choice makes me,
because I am in you and you are me.
Your life for good is mine as well.
Your life for bad is my living hell.
When you are you and I am me,
We live in each other's reality.
The substance that binds you to me,
and keeps all of living life in harmony,
The unseen force that makes us be,
The one truth that always will remain,
The love that exists will never change.
Of course you are still you and I am still me,
Each of with our own unique ability
But still
I am you and you are me.

So since I did not pre write this poem, I'm sure it could be edited. I'll call it a working poem. But I hope that you can see and understand what it means. Don't be a person be a thing. Be something or someone else. One can only try to empathize with people. In my young life, I can think of many things that Ive experienced that may see to be more bad than good. But its always been my desire to know what others feel, and though I can't completely because you will always be you and experience life in your own way, I can love freely. This is the way my mind works and the thoughts that occupy it. It's my own self discovery.